Determined To Succeed

Day eighty-two.

O.K. I totally call bullshit on Gretchen Jones winning this season of Project Runway. Are they nuts? I completely agree with Heidi Klum. The judges, Michael Kors and the other one from Marie Claire, Nina Garcia, spent most of the season (especially the late season) loving Mondo’s fashions (especially the ones where he was using colors, patterns and different fabrics) only to dis him in the finale for the exact same things, saying he was designing “too young.” That being said though, it was Mondo’s competition to lose and his line was not as good as Gretchen’s although Andy had the best clothes last night.

From the beginning of the season (I have recently become a fan of the show and absolutely NO CRACKS on me liking a show about fashion – everyone who knows me knows I love to look nice) each designer was given a set of incredible tools – an HP thingamajig that allows the designer to draw a design on a tablet-like screen before going to Mood to shop. Then, they go to Mood where they are given a budget to shop for seemingly the best fabrics around. next they go back to Parsons to work in a completely polished and professional workspace. In other words, each one is given the right and best tools for their jobs. The question then becomes what do people do with those tools.

When I was in first grade Mrs. Gans, a wonderful teacher at Murray Language Academy in Chicago, said something I will never forget. She said we all started out with the highest grade which, at that point, was an “E.” Our scale in the seventies and eighties went from “E”(excellent) to “G” (good) to “S” (satisfactory) to “U” (unsatisfactory). And starting out at that highest grade it was up to each and every one of us to keep and maintain that grade. In other words, it was our grade to lose.

The designers on Project Runway all start out with the exact same tools and resources and it is up to each one of them to outwit, outlast and outplay the others (oh, wait – that’s from the other reality show, Survivor). Anywho, it’s up to each designer to not only keep up with the other designers, from freshness of designs to the work in creating the clothes, but also to use the tools they are given to do so. The right tools level the playing field so that the only difference is the individual, her or his talents and, most of all, imagination. In my opinion, Mondo was the best designer. He was the most crative and talented overall and most consistently. Gretchen, who really was a bitch saying one thing to her castmates and then something different to the cameras, really designed clothes monochromatically and for such a niche audience (her) that they showed how two-dimensional she is. But that is just my opinion on the show.

It was Mondo’s to lose, and his line wasn’t as good as other stuff we’ve seen. So he lost. Meanwhile, Gretchen stepped up and won creating clothes that were more wearable. But in their case, and Andy’s, they all used the right tools to get to their goal of showing their line at fashion Week.

My friends, weight loss works the same way as Project Runway. We do not need fancy-schmancy gyms or equipment (or HP design and draw thinkpads). We do not need Jillian Michaels yelling at us and making us feel like shit on her latest DVD for we all start out with the right tools – our own bodies, energy and determination to get to the goal. None of us need a gym to do sit-ups or push-ups or jumping jacks or to go for a walk. We do not need DVDs telling us this and that to know we eat like shit sometimes. I know I do and when I do it shows on the scale. When I don’t, my weight comes down like it did yesterday.

All I am trying to say is that you are only limited by you in your quest to lose weight. You are the only one in your way. So don’t be, and don’t be intimidated by the amount you want to lose or by the atmosphere of a gym if that is where you want to go to workout. Just remember the tools you have are the right ones and the perfect ones with which to start because they come from you and those are the best tools of all. Have a great weekend.

Day eighty.

Hey there, my friends. For those of you old enough (or pop-culture savvy enough) to remember there are two references I’m going to drop on you today: the first is the movie “Around the World in 80 Days” and the second is the Fifth Dimension’s “Would You Like To Fly In My Beautiful Balloon.” I bring up both because both things reference travel via balloon.

Here I am at day eighty and I feel great. These past days have been a Godsend to me because, for the first time in my adult life, I am truly getting to the bottom of my addictive cycles so that I can, once and for all, get a handle on what made me self-medicate so I never EVER do it again. And how am I doing that? By getting into the figurative balloon in my head and taking a tour of my past so I can see where I never want to be again.

I told you guys yesterday how I had to get a handle on my chocolate and Coke Zero cravings, and that is true. But as I swim around my head on day eighty of my sobriety I now know at least I KNOW I have to do that and am not making excused for it. My old self used to do that. I know I need to workout, which I am doing later today with Sensei Doug. The old me would have given the gym a half-hearted attempt MAYBE and I wouldn’t have broken that much of a sweat. I know when I am being “triggered” to eat unnecessarily and do my best to stop that behavior. The old me would never have done that.

I have also rediscovered myself in all this. I used to spend so much time hiding things that I would almost binge on being me. My old path saw me do things that were unimaginable and horrible, among those was warping who I was to conform to what I thought others wanted of me. Ironically, I never did that in my weight loss. That I have always been truthful and honest about. I have my ups and downs and my struggles with food and my weight. But what is now so different is that, after taking my balloon trip in my head (and how fucked up does that sound – I sound like I’m crazy) I realized how much I didn’t like myself very much. Where food was concerned I just ate and ate to suppress and squash what I was feeling – toxic shame, anger, resentment, fear and low self-esteem. Food, at least for a while, kept all those down and let me run. Now, I like myself again and even bought me something that is huge for me – a Star Wars lunchbox.

Is it silly? Yes.

Is it necessary in my life? No.

Do I like it? Does it make me happy? Yes!

Should I give a shit what other people think about it? Hell no!

I have spent so much of my adult life doing things that, on the outside, seemed cool but I only did it for others. Now that I am working on me, by going to therapy and twelve-step meetings, I am truly liking myself again. More than that, I am embracing it and doing what I want to do, not what others prescribed for me.

In this wacky journey we call weight loss, yes, I have my ups and downs, but when I hover over that in my balloon and look over these past 80 days I see a guy who knows he will be OK. I know I will re-lose that weight and come out even stronger for it. Speaking of which I need to run and get ready so I can go kick some punching bag ass today with Sensei Doug.

Sometimes it is good to take a look at your own life from a different perspective, and rising above it, as if in a balloon, can do just the trick. Not only do you see where you’ve been clearly, you can see the road ahead of you…

…and, at least for me, you can do something that the Fifth Dimension also sings about – letting that sunshine in to help guide the way.

Let the sunshine…

Let the sunshine in.

The sun shine in…

Day seventy-five.

Today is Friday and I am juiced about having a healthy weekend. I know I am usually in a twist because it is the weekend and I typically fall off the wagon a bit but this weekend is a bit unique for two reasons: one, I have begun helping motivate two close friends in their own weight loss and two, because of a photo I found of me from 11 years ago.

Let’s start with the photo.

11 years ago (1999) I had the wonderful opportunity to tour some of Europe. I visited (and please excuse the spellings) Interlacken, Switzerland, Oberammagau, Germany, Salzburg, Germany, Vienna, Austria…some pretty nifty places. I remember being so enthralled with being where I was – so far from home but loving every minute – I never once thought about what I ate or how much I ate (especially wiener schnitzel – I think that’s how you spell it). Anyway, I was going through those old photos yesterday when I came across some of me, one in particular, that made me go “wow.”

You’ve heard me talk many, many times about the photo of me in the shark tunnel at the aquarium. Well, the photos I found of me were from 1999 and I was huge! It made me remember the reason I originally grew my beard – to try to hid my growing double chin and face flab. I saw what I was wearing and remembered how excited I was to find clothes in a size 4XL at the time (which within another 5 years would be a 5XL). I instantly remembered what I ate and drank and did and how it led me to that point (even lower). I shook my head slowly and slowly placed the photo on the counter.

That photo reminded me to think about how far I’ve come. Yes, I do need to re-lose some weight but I am well-within parameters of my goal weight, can still fit in my smaller clothes and have way more energy than I ever did. I am even going to my mixed martial arts class today to kick ass, something back then I never thought I could do.

As for the two friends, all I can say is how honored I am that they’ve asked me to help motivate them to get up and be moving. I have known one for over 22 years and the other I’ve known for about three but never really hung out before recently. In my separate discussions with them both we’ve discussed how human I can be, that I have ups and downs, etc. but that I will do my best to encourage and be supportive (and that good kick in the pants they need). As the long-time friend said, “I need a way to hold myself accountable and have someone help get me up off my couch.” Hell, ain’t that the truth?! I need that, too, and both will be that for me.

That is why I am so jazzed to start this weekend. I know I am going to start it right. For breakfast I had my reduced fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and for a snack I had a yogurt. Tasty. I know I am also going to be active this weekend because I do martial arts tomorrow, too. Bring it on, I say. Bring it on! Because if a picture is worth a thousand words I seriously want those words to be of the successes in my life, not the failures. I want them to be of the future, not the past…

…and I want them to reflect the new, healthier and better Bill Ivory Larson. Not the sick, confused one. That is the guy in the photo and that is the person I never want to see again except in photos. To remind me of where I’ve been so that I am on track to get where I’m going.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Day seventy-three.

There are times that I can’t help thinking about the movies. Ever since I was a kid, and thanks to my awesome mother, JoAnn Larson, I have always loved the movies and the magic they create. They happen to hold a treasure trove of answers to life’s great mysteries and challenges and offer advice and examples of situations that can be applied to, well, almost everyone. A prime example of this was at last night’s twelve-step meeting which felt less like a collection of broken people and more like the original Fellowship from “Lord of the Rings.”

In “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, et. al. are brought together and told of a great mission they must undertake – to return the powerful but evil ring of power to the fires of the volcanic Mount Doom to be destroyed forever. If you even somewhat familiar with the story, spread out over three books (and three incredible movies) you know Frodo is the keeper of the ring and, as such, falls victim at points to its incredible power. However, thanks to the strength and determination of his friends and the Fellowship he is able to complete his mission and save Middle Earth from darkness.

In the meeting last night, as we all gathered around the tables set up in a square formation so we could all see each other (like a certain Round Table with which we are familiar) we told our individual tales of the week, or even the day or hour, that brought us to the meeting point last night. There was a resounding sense of taking a breath from each one of us and many of us, myself included, thanked the other members of the group for being there to offer support, encouragement, friendship and, of course, fellowship to us along our journeys. It was then that my mind knew that while there was no “one ring” to return to the molten lava of a volcano we all needed each other from time to time, as Frodo needed Sam and the rest of the Fellowship, to keep going.

After the meeting I sat for a minute in my car and thought about how safe and relaxing the meeting was. It was nowhere near as uncomfortable as Sunday’s meeting, but no matter how weird, uncomfortable or whatever the meetings get they are always a safe place for people to land when they feel as though they can’t get to where they need to go in life and have nowhere else to go to take some of the burden of life away – if even for just an hour. That is the beauty of them and why they are absolutely necessary.

In this thing I call a weight loss journey I have always tried to offer support, guidance, humor and, most of all, a human story to the realities of weight loss to everyone looking to lose weight. I do this because I know the one thing that all people crave is company. We all want understanding, caring, an ear. Most of all, we want (and need) fellowship so we know we are not alone in any of this fight through which we are going. Losing weight is hard enough but to do it without the encouragement of others, be them family, friends, co-workers or others in a group, would be damn near impossible. At least it would be for me.

One of the things I have always said is that none of us is alone in this quest to lose extra pounds and I reaffirm that today. Each and every one of us deserve another chance in life to do the good things we are meant to do, most of all to and for ourselves and I support you, my friends. Weight loss is a bitch but I understand your pain. I share it. I see it when I step on the scale. I feel it in the gym when I sweat. But no matter how hard it gets our fellowship – or our Fellowship – stays strong and committed.  And if you need just a word or two of strength all you need to do is read these Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs. They are not only my story but our story. It may not be as nicely written as “Lord of the Rings” but it is something in which we all can share strength, wisdom, advice and healing.

The weight will come off and demons will go away. That is why all good stories end with six of the best words ever written…

…and they lived happily ever after.

Day seventy-two.

Hey there, everybody. So sorry today’s blog post is so late. I am just now feeling myself after a major (although not my worst) allergy attack. Stupid dust particles. The irony is that I got my allergy attack cleaning. Ain’t that a kick in the pants. Oh well, you always have to crack a few eggs to make that omelette and I sure did yesterday. Vacuuming and deep rug cleaning felt awesome and it looks so much better – the fruits of labor far outweighing the sneezes.

So today I am up a pound-and-a-half. I don’t know how exactly that happened but it did. When I got on the scale today it read 238.7 and I was sooooooo not pleased. Hell, I even thought the sweat I was producing while cleaning would have taken care of some of that weight but I guess it didn’t. Oh well to that, too, I guess. I will re-lose it. I have no doubt. I will just get back on the elliptical.

Getting back to cleaning for a minute, though, I have to wonder why, once we clean, can’t things stay clean for a time. Ever notcie that? Like when we dust how it seems that the thing dusted just accumulates dust again? Hurmph. Or in weight loss, why can’t we enjoy our new lower weight for a time – kind of like that time I was a kid and wanted the sky to stay that gorgeous royal blue color. I know it doesn’t but once I get to a weight I wish we could stay there no matter what. Sigh.

When I was a kid I used to watch a TV show called “The Great Space Coaster.” It was an awesome show for 8-12 year olds and had educational messages in such an entertaining format. I know if I watched that show today I would be less than enchanted but it worked at the time. Anywho, there was an episode that dealt with science and the science of entropy – how everything in the universe tends towards disorder from order. What a crazy concept but it is so true. Even the cleanest of rooms can become a home for cobwebs and a sheet of dust thicker than, well, a sheet. Also, that dust can get into things like TVs, stereos and computers making them all eventually not perform well or, worst of all, break down. And that’s just from not using things.

This is why we always have to clean.

I thought about this as I was doing that deep rug cleaning and vacuuming. How nice it is to enjoy that clean and that I better enjoy it while it lasts. But not just that but also that if I want to keep enjoying it I have to keep cleaning – dusting, vacuuming and washing. That’s the only way.

Yep, you guessed it – that’s my weight loss message for today. Weight loss and its benefits are only permanent if we keep working at them, no matter how much we want to lose weight and then do nothing else as if we deserve to be there no matter what we eat or drink. And hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just laying out the truth, a truth that I, myself, have to take every single day.

My place may be clean now but small little particles of dust have already come since last night and have landed on my clean spots, damn them. And so I go back to work today making sure I let them know who’s boss. And once that is done and the rug cleaner returned I will do that for the fat cells in my body. I will hit the gym, have a great workout and sweat my ass off so I can get rid of my fat the only way I know how – hard work.

I do not want my body to ever again tend toward the disorder of 400 pounds. I know I keep saying that but it is the absolute truth. But to get there I have to now finish the cleaning I did last night and crack the final eggs and make my cleanliness omelette. Once that’s done I can go and work on myself in the gym…thinking about all the clean and wonderful fruits I get to see when I get back home. Have a great day, everyone, and don’t let entropy come and get you.

Day seventy-one.

Happy Monday, everybody. Did you have a great weekend? More to the point, did you make it through the weekend without eating too much and getting in some exercise? I hope so, especially since it was a heavy sports weekend (if you’re into that). Regular-season football, MLB playoff baseball…it can take its toll colorically and physically (I can also be quite the couch potato). Thankfully, I did maintain my weight (237) despite a few daliances (I did give in to my Twinkie craving) and am starting the week on a great note.

Yesterday, I attended my regular Sunday night twelve-step meeting and it was, putting it mildly, interesting. There were a few people I’ve never seen before but apparently were part of the fellowship some months or years prior to my arrival. One person had a particularly scary story to tell while they were “getting current” with the group and it really threw me for a loop. While I won’t reveal what they said suffice it to say I was uncomfortable, extremely so, but overall the group was good last night because of the topics selected – trust, things to do and resentment. These three topics seemed very appropriate for me given that each one goes through my mind on a daily basis.

There have been many things I have resented in my life but none more so than my own actions at times. I was as low as I could go and I hated myself for it. Dammit, those demons were strong and terrifying and I gave into each and every one of them. Before I confronted my past and found out the reasons why I was “acting out” in the present I resented, and had great shame over, great portions of my past and I tried to bury it all, sometimes with massive amounts of food. Yes, I also resented being 400 pounds, but once I started valuing life again, especially over these last seventy-one days, I’ve come to know I am stronger than those demons and can win and win without Twinkies, ice-cold regular Coca-Cola (Coke Zero is now my new BFF) and mass quantities of egg rolls or beef fried rice.

Trust is a tricky thing with me, especially since I never really let many people inside because of the walls a created to “protect” myself. Funny how the mind works. You secretly want to let people in because you want to be held and loved but, because of shame and fear, you build up blockers to keep people out as a defense mechanism. Well, not anymore and I think I’m getting better and better at it every day. The secret being that I realized I had to rebuild trust, not just with people in my life but, most importantly, with myself and that comes from liking me again and knowing I will make the right choices now. Choices I can trust are the best ones for me and building on that.

As far as filling my time with things to do, well, you guys know the things I’m working on. This weight loss blog is one of them. I find one of my triggers to eat is due to me feeling bored when I don’t have things filling my time. I eat to pass the time and that is so wrong. It was so wrong. So now I am concentrating on the positives and am working on many things, one of which I will reveal to you in the next month or month-and-a-half or so as it pertains to my upcoming 40th birthday.

When I left the meeting last night I could feel myself on the right path. I am in a positive place and that feels good. I may have had a Twinkie or two this past week but I exercised and did not eat out. All of this, especially in weight loss, is retraining the mind to act in different ways – to choose different paths than we would have chosen before and re-learning how to act. That rediscovery is cool…so cool. It’s almost like the world is new and we have a new world full of opportunity at our feet.

It is just up to each and every one of us to walk that path to get to those opportunities. For the first time in my life I do feel worth it which helps me immensely as I drive the gauntlet of fast food places (especially Burger King) passing them all up for the wonderful BLTs I had at home last night for dinner, or the leftover grilled BBQ pork chops I had for lunch Saturday. Those are the meals I look forward to now. That is the future I look forward to now.

So have a great start to your week, my friends, and good luck on your weight loss journeys. Remember, food may be awesome but you are more awesome and deserve better than you give yourself sometimes. So you don’t have to eat if you really don’t want to or feel ashamed to, because it will always feel better to open up and talk to someone – anyone – than to keep that stuff inside. And no matter what, as you try to walk that path of opportunity, I promise you one thing…you are not alone.

Day sixty-eight.

So did you guys do it? Did you go to MSN.COM and answer the questions and use the “life expectancy calculator?” I hope you did because it sure as hell was an eye-opener for me. Just finding out I added almost 20 years to my life by losing weight was incredible. However, I also found out that I now have time added on to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my size. But more on that later…

It’s Friday and happy weekend. I am sitting here continuing my downward trend in weight loss and am at 237 even today. Woohoo. And that’s before my awesome mixed martial arts workout later this afternoon. But it is the weekend and you guys know I worry about over doing it with too much food and not enough exercise. I wish we could always stay the weight we want to achieve but, without hard work, we cannot. Sigh.

In less than two months I will hit the big 40! I so want to re-achieve my weight loss goal by then (and hopefully not add anymore weight in celebrating). There are also so many other things I want to do in life – like skydive – that I never would have been able to do had I not lost this weight. So I am compiling a list in my head of certain things I want to do which I will tell you guys about closer to my birthday. In the meantime, we have to tackle the here and now and that means the upcoming weekend.

I feel like an episode of “The Event” today, jumping all over the place in this blog which is weird and I’m sorry. I just feel a bit scattered today. I have lots of stuff to try to get done and they’re all on my mind. One of the things on my mind, though, was the movie I saw last night. I went to go see “Easy A,” which was both funny and cute (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson steal the movie as Emma Stone’s parents, but that’s not why it’s on my mind). Seeing the movie’s on my mind because the theater itself had double-wide seats in its auditoriums. Now, I’m sure that the seats, which resembled a slightly smaller love seat or a swing bench in size, were not necessarily meant for people of size. It’s probably meant for couples who just want to get cozy watching a flick. But I couldn’t help but wonder if larger people use those seats because they are more comfortable. I know I would have back when I was 400.

Yep, back then, when I needed seatbelt extenders, chairs with no arms in restaurants, etc., I would have jumped at the chance to sit in one of those prime seats just to have the “wiggle room.” It would have made me comfortable and probably would have helped my arthritic knee be able to stretch by not being locked into the “L” position all crammed in watching something.

The downside to all that, though, would have been the corrosive comments made by other theater patrons seeing my 400-pound butt go for the “date seat.” So I asked myself last night “would it have been worth it?” The answer is yes and no. No, for obvious reasons like I never like being made fun of. Yes, because I would have been way more comfortable especially in a world where smaller seats (revenue generators that they are) seem to be the norm. Ironic these seats were in the auditorium showing a movie about a person who has to suffer the slings and arrows of society based on prejudices (O.K., that is a loose interpretation but work with me here).

When I left the movies last night I tried to leave the image of the date seat in the theater but I couldn’t. It’s hard to shake the past and even harder to NOT imagine myself as that 400 pound guy sometimes. So I said a slight, silent prayer for anyone who has to use those seats in the future. I hoped they would enjoy the movie in comfort and in peace free of the comments of close-minded assholes who always have to make comments about something or someone. I also thanked God I don’t have to now. Not because of the comments but because of what I mentioned at the beginning of today’s weekend blog. I now have so many more years added onto my life and the opportunities to do so many more things. That’s all.

I will always remember from where I came, especially on day sixty-eight of my sobriety. So many people use food amongst other things to numb pain and shame and I don’t ever want to do that again, especially because it could take years off my life and lead me right to that special seat at the theater. So as my birthday approaches I feel a sense of re-birth. I want 40 to be the best year of my life (so far) so I can do whatever I want to do…and sit wherever I want to sit no matter where I go…gray hairs and all.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Talk to you on Monday.

Day sixty-six.

Well, here we are again, Hump Day, when we stop working to pay taxes and actually begin earning the wages we take home. In other words, we start working for ourselves. Today is interesting because Hump Day, for me, has two meanings. One, I am still trying to get over the hump of losing this extra bit of weight (grrrrrr). Two, I have been working for myself with working out, which means today I am going to my martial arts class later on this afternoon.

I don’t know about you guys but I feel damn good when I work for myself in anything, whether it is cooking, cleaning, doing laundry or working out. The fruits of that labor are seeing the completed food, a clean house, folded and available laundry and/or a scale with a lower number than yesterday. Those are the cool things about working for oneself. You get to set your own “blank,” and fill in that “blank” with whatever is appropriate for you…”hours,” “pace,” “schedule,” “goals,” etc. However, you also then have no one to answer to but you, and if you’re anything like me, we can be our own worst “blanks” (”bosses,” “critics,” “detractors,” etc.).

Let’s start with this weight loss thing of mine. Dammit all to hell! I thought I’d have this extra weight off by now. On one hand I am still doing very well. I have kept off the majority of the 175 I’ve lost but I still have a very stubborn 13 pounds to go to re-reach my goal. Being my own boss I have to say I haven’t been a very good “employee.” I’ve let me get away with lots. I’ve slacked off at times, ate what I wasn’t supposed to, had portions that were larger than needed, etc. But, when push comes to shove, like with keeping up with the martial arts workouts, I am good and dedicated and I know I will eventually lose that 13 pounds (which still is better than the 20 pounds it once was).

See, that’s what I mean. Even though I am doing well I still am able to find fault and that is both good and bad. It is good because it keeps me focused on continuing my good streak and my weight loss journey. It’s bad because you have to give yourself a “win” every now and then to stay happy and keep up morale and I don’t because instead of thinking about the weight I’ve been able to keep off with better eating and exercise I focus on what I’ve re-gained. I’ve had jobs like that, jobs that never looked at the good I was doing for the organization and always focused on the bad. What they didn’t have. “We didn’t get what the other guy got,” etc., and I was tired of that shit mainly because it was unfair. It set me up to fail because 1) I had to be a mind-reader to know the stupid, misguided whims and ideas of my old bosses and 2) I had to constantly beat the ground to produce (and believe me, I produced tons to the point where those fruits came to bear after I was “vocationally liberated”) and there is only so much you can do before press people get tired of hearing from you and start ignoring you. That is how PR works and that is how weight loss should not.

If you’ve lost ten pounds but gained back five, you’ve still lost five pounds and have kept it off. That is awesome. I have to remind myself to “take that win” and run with it. Sure, can and should we re-lose that other five, absolutely! But let’s look at what we’ve accomplished and take that win, too, for it is a big win especially on Hump Day, when all of us work hard to enjoy the fruits of our labor. For me, I am still seeing a big 2 at the beginning of my weight instead of a 4. The second digit is a 3 and is not a 4, 5 or (egads) 6.  And that last number will go down from the 8 it is currently. I know it will.

Hey, at least my “employee” didn’t drink another whole half-gallon of orange juice today. For that I am grateful. That is a win in-and-of itself. Have a great day, everyone.

Day sixty-four.

Good Monday morning, my friends. Today is the day we nationally observe Columbus Day, a day which I hold highly suspect since we seem to celebrate a guy who “discovered” people who were already here, “discovery” of a land already discovered by Leif Ericson hundreds of years before, and his contributions to religious intolerance and the Middle Passage/Atlantic Slave Trade. I do not mean to offend anyone who truly believes the myths and stories of Christopher Columbus in a blog about weight loss, just trying to educate as much as I can just like I try to do in matters of weight loss.

All that being said, and with all due respect to all parties involved, I do have something of a taste for Italian food. I can’t tell you how much, over the last few weeks, I’ve had the itch for pizza. Dammit! I have been this/close to picking up the phone and ordering up a sausage, mushroom, green pepper and onion pizza (with extra cheese) and plopping down to watch a movie or two. I also have to say that this taste for Italian led me to absolutely devour a couple of healthy helpings of the sausage and peppers provided at a party I attended Saturday night. Yummy and tasty, but I ate waaaaaaay too much.

Luckily, a couple of things happened:

1) I didn’t give in to my taste for pizza (or for a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola, for that matter)

2) Even though I ate my way to a tummy ache this past weekend I still continued to lose a few more ounces, a powerful motivator, indeed.

So I am, indeed, in a quandry. I guess the best thing to do is to nuke a Lean Cuisine pizza and just have the best of both worlds. I know, it’s nowhere near the same as a good pizza but it would knock the taste for a good “piece-a-pizza” (as my mom, JoAnn, would say) out of my mouth…at least for a little while.Or, I could have a nice portion-controlled serving of pasta with a garlic (and sausage) marinara. Mmmmmm, that sounds good, too. But, dammit! There I go again. It’s not even 10:00 a.m. and I am already thinking about dinner. Oh, well.

I do have to take little victories where I can get them, though. Like getting through the past few weeks without having a regular Coke. That has been hard, but thanks to Coke Cherry Zero and Coke Zero (I can’t stand regular Diet Coke) I have satisfied the taste for a soda without the calories. Also, being down a total of another 6 ounces is a Godsend especially the way I ate this past weekend. Sheesh! It was like I lost my mind at that party – meatballs, sausage and peppers, taco dip (which was good since I made it), desserts – and had never eaten before. Thank God I ate well around that party and ate very well for dinner (London Broil and Butternut Squash rice) last night.

Now today is for working out and getting back to that routine. Yep, I’m putting on the gloves for a great “round” of boxing and doing some, if not most, of my mixed martial arts routine. That should be fun. Then it’s back to the grindstone of writing and trying to do my best to stay away from my own strong food cravings.

Which leads me back to my taste for Italian. I know all I have to do is exercise a little “Bill Power” and get over my craving for pizza, but I’m human and it’s hard to do that sometimes, especially living so close to an Italian restaurant where you can smell the garlic sometimes wafting through the air enticing you to just drop my for a bite. But I will control my cravings for a big bowl of pasta this or a few slices of pizza that. I have to or the only thing I will be “discovering” on Columbus Day is the fact that my waistline will start growing back out and I sure as hell don’t want that.

If you have a holiday have a good one and do yourself a favor and Google “Christopher Columbus.” You may or may not agree with the arguments for or against a holiday recognizing him but one thing would be certain…you would have probably opened your mind to new things and “discovered” something you never knew before.

Day sixty.

How cool and exciting is that?! For sixty days I have been sober and appreciating life and am facing, for the first time, not feeling fear about facing the past while looking forward to the future. It is awesome to finally (FINALLY) be proud of myself and to admit to people that I was ashamed of things in my past, things which led me down dark and twisty paths until I hit my rock bottom. But I am, with each and every day, striving always to be changed, better and a different man – one that my mom, JoAnn Larson, would be proud to say is her son. I love you, Ma! Very much.

I think she also might be proud that I stayed in the house last night to eat. Do you know how freaking tempting it is to eat out? Even when you have a fridge full of food it is so tempting to say “screw it, I’m gonna just go buy this or that or the other.” Never mind that, for just a little time and effort, you can eat not just well but very well and have some kick-ass dishes.

Take for example breakfast. Those of you who have followed me over almost the past year (and thank you so much for doing that) know I love McDonald’s breakfast sausage. Besides their french fries it is the reason to eat there. In my former 400-pound life I used to down a couple of Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwiches, two of their addictive and crack-like hash browns while washing it down with a large Coke (yes, one that was ice-cold). That was my breakfast! Yes, I bought that every single day. I can’t tell you how much money I spent over the years doing that, either. A small fortune, I’m sure. Now, over these past few years I’ve all but stopped going to McDonald’s except for the every blue moon “O.K., it’s the only thing around and I’m hungry” and their new fruit smoothies (particularly the strawberry banana). But I cooked breakfast at home today. I got out a frying pan, two eggs, one turkey sausage pattie and a small amount of shredded mozzarella cheese, all of which I had in the fridge having already purchased these things at the store. In no time at all I had me my very own sausage, egg and cheese sandwich on wheat toast and it was yummy…

…and better prepared…

…and waaaaaaaaay cheaper.

Same thing goes for lunch. Yesterday, I had leftover meatloaf, mashed potatoes (real ones made from the mashing of whole potatoes) and greens. Was it easier to say “screw it, I don’t want this” and go out to get something? Yeppers, but I didn’t and the leftovers were good. Damn good, even. And again waaaaay cheaper.

The point I’m trying to make is that we need to make adjustments to our lifestyles if we are ever going to truly attack weight loss and fight the “battle of the bulge.” No matter whether food is your drug of choice or not we all have to stop acting out, especially if food is how you “self-medicate.” I know the temptations of eating out are great. Food prepared in flashy ways with great marketing campaigns is great, but nothing compared to the food you’ve had all along at home in your own fridge. Food, that with just a little time and effort, becomes the best banquet of all.

I know that changing a life ain’t easy. Believe me, I know several ways and times over, but it can be done as long as you have the heart to face whatever is truly making you “act out” in life.  When you do that, when you finally turn around and face whatever it is you’re running from, you will finally be free of it and the shame that makes you numb yourself. There is a wonderful world out there and it should be enjoyed. So go, enjoy it and appreciate it but always remember the best foods are the foods made at home with hard work, time and your own two hands.