Determined To Succeed

Day seventy-four.

I freaking hate this time of year in stores. Candy, candy EVERYWHERE! Chocolate, chocolate EVERYWHERE! It’s really hard enough as it is trying not to eat badly by going to the store and getting things to make at home (like my mac and cheese last night) but give a fat guy a break, will ya! I mean, damn. Halloween this and candy that. You just can’t get away from it.

When I was a kid I trick-or-treated just like every other kid out there lucky enough to be able to do so. My costumes were never elaborate, hand-sewn masterpieces of fabric and materials. No, my costumes were what they were – perfect for me and given to me by my mom, costumes made of plastic that you find in boxes, you know, the complete ones. Oh man, they were perfect. Spider-Man, Batman anything Star Wars…Halloween was a great time to be a kid…

…however as I approach 40 I realize how uncool Halloween can be for us adults. But more on that later.

I even remember the biggest “haul” I got. One Halloween I got what seemed like an endless supply of candy. It was amazing and my bag so heavy with chocolate, sugary sweets and treats. I had so much I even took some to school (and of course I shared some with my mom). That was awesome.

As I grew older and I went from receiving candy to buying it I realize how much temptation there is when I shop to just get and eat a whole bag of chocolaty goodness in one sitting. And why not, right? These bite-sized morsels don’t have any calories (they’re too small for that). Yeah, right! I wish.

I’ve always been straight-up with you guys about my eating and all my ups and downs in weight and eating. Well, this is no exception. I did buy myself a bag of Hershey’s miniatures (with almonds) and have been doling out rations to myself to make it last as long as I can. I could try to rationalize it by saying “well, at least I work out” but that would be horseshit. I do workout, yes, but that is not an excuse. I just love chocolate, and while I try to be good about having it there are times I give in to get “my fix.”

I’ve always told you guys I ate what I wanted along my weight loss journey and still continue to eat what I want (hence the delicious mac and cheese I made last night – not the healthiest thing I might add) but I will strive to be better. In less than two weeks the candy displays, commercials and ads will go away and make way for the images of Thanksgiving and turkey with all the trimmings (another danger zone for me). So until then I will do my best to steer clear of the candy aisle in the store.

I know today’s blog will be short but that’s OK. As us addicts say I just wanted to “get current” with you guys aqnd share a rant about candy being EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE, I tell you!!! Do you guys have the same problem? I know we are all in this together so I am hoping I am not alone in my cravings for chocolate-peanut butter, almond, gooey goodness.

Sigh. At least I am down 3 ounces. That is something today, I guess.

Day seventy-two.

Hey there, everybody. So sorry today’s blog post is so late. I am just now feeling myself after a major (although not my worst) allergy attack. Stupid dust particles. The irony is that I got my allergy attack cleaning. Ain’t that a kick in the pants. Oh well, you always have to crack a few eggs to make that omelette and I sure did yesterday. Vacuuming and deep rug cleaning felt awesome and it looks so much better – the fruits of labor far outweighing the sneezes.

So today I am up a pound-and-a-half. I don’t know how exactly that happened but it did. When I got on the scale today it read 238.7 and I was sooooooo not pleased. Hell, I even thought the sweat I was producing while cleaning would have taken care of some of that weight but I guess it didn’t. Oh well to that, too, I guess. I will re-lose it. I have no doubt. I will just get back on the elliptical.

Getting back to cleaning for a minute, though, I have to wonder why, once we clean, can’t things stay clean for a time. Ever notcie that? Like when we dust how it seems that the thing dusted just accumulates dust again? Hurmph. Or in weight loss, why can’t we enjoy our new lower weight for a time – kind of like that time I was a kid and wanted the sky to stay that gorgeous royal blue color. I know it doesn’t but once I get to a weight I wish we could stay there no matter what. Sigh.

When I was a kid I used to watch a TV show called “The Great Space Coaster.” It was an awesome show for 8-12 year olds and had educational messages in such an entertaining format. I know if I watched that show today I would be less than enchanted but it worked at the time. Anywho, there was an episode that dealt with science and the science of entropy – how everything in the universe tends towards disorder from order. What a crazy concept but it is so true. Even the cleanest of rooms can become a home for cobwebs and a sheet of dust thicker than, well, a sheet. Also, that dust can get into things like TVs, stereos and computers making them all eventually not perform well or, worst of all, break down. And that’s just from not using things.

This is why we always have to clean.

I thought about this as I was doing that deep rug cleaning and vacuuming. How nice it is to enjoy that clean and that I better enjoy it while it lasts. But not just that but also that if I want to keep enjoying it I have to keep cleaning – dusting, vacuuming and washing. That’s the only way.

Yep, you guessed it – that’s my weight loss message for today. Weight loss and its benefits are only permanent if we keep working at them, no matter how much we want to lose weight and then do nothing else as if we deserve to be there no matter what we eat or drink. And hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just laying out the truth, a truth that I, myself, have to take every single day.

My place may be clean now but small little particles of dust have already come since last night and have landed on my clean spots, damn them. And so I go back to work today making sure I let them know who’s boss. And once that is done and the rug cleaner returned I will do that for the fat cells in my body. I will hit the gym, have a great workout and sweat my ass off so I can get rid of my fat the only way I know how – hard work.

I do not want my body to ever again tend toward the disorder of 400 pounds. I know I keep saying that but it is the absolute truth. But to get there I have to now finish the cleaning I did last night and crack the final eggs and make my cleanliness omelette. Once that’s done I can go and work on myself in the gym…thinking about all the clean and wonderful fruits I get to see when I get back home. Have a great day, everyone, and don’t let entropy come and get you.

Day seventy-one.

Happy Monday, everybody. Did you have a great weekend? More to the point, did you make it through the weekend without eating too much and getting in some exercise? I hope so, especially since it was a heavy sports weekend (if you’re into that). Regular-season football, MLB playoff baseball…it can take its toll colorically and physically (I can also be quite the couch potato). Thankfully, I did maintain my weight (237) despite a few daliances (I did give in to my Twinkie craving) and am starting the week on a great note.

Yesterday, I attended my regular Sunday night twelve-step meeting and it was, putting it mildly, interesting. There were a few people I’ve never seen before but apparently were part of the fellowship some months or years prior to my arrival. One person had a particularly scary story to tell while they were “getting current” with the group and it really threw me for a loop. While I won’t reveal what they said suffice it to say I was uncomfortable, extremely so, but overall the group was good last night because of the topics selected – trust, things to do and resentment. These three topics seemed very appropriate for me given that each one goes through my mind on a daily basis.

There have been many things I have resented in my life but none more so than my own actions at times. I was as low as I could go and I hated myself for it. Dammit, those demons were strong and terrifying and I gave into each and every one of them. Before I confronted my past and found out the reasons why I was “acting out” in the present I resented, and had great shame over, great portions of my past and I tried to bury it all, sometimes with massive amounts of food. Yes, I also resented being 400 pounds, but once I started valuing life again, especially over these last seventy-one days, I’ve come to know I am stronger than those demons and can win and win without Twinkies, ice-cold regular Coca-Cola (Coke Zero is now my new BFF) and mass quantities of egg rolls or beef fried rice.

Trust is a tricky thing with me, especially since I never really let many people inside because of the walls a created to “protect” myself. Funny how the mind works. You secretly want to let people in because you want to be held and loved but, because of shame and fear, you build up blockers to keep people out as a defense mechanism. Well, not anymore and I think I’m getting better and better at it every day. The secret being that I realized I had to rebuild trust, not just with people in my life but, most importantly, with myself and that comes from liking me again and knowing I will make the right choices now. Choices I can trust are the best ones for me and building on that.

As far as filling my time with things to do, well, you guys know the things I’m working on. This weight loss blog is one of them. I find one of my triggers to eat is due to me feeling bored when I don’t have things filling my time. I eat to pass the time and that is so wrong. It was so wrong. So now I am concentrating on the positives and am working on many things, one of which I will reveal to you in the next month or month-and-a-half or so as it pertains to my upcoming 40th birthday.

When I left the meeting last night I could feel myself on the right path. I am in a positive place and that feels good. I may have had a Twinkie or two this past week but I exercised and did not eat out. All of this, especially in weight loss, is retraining the mind to act in different ways – to choose different paths than we would have chosen before and re-learning how to act. That rediscovery is cool…so cool. It’s almost like the world is new and we have a new world full of opportunity at our feet.

It is just up to each and every one of us to walk that path to get to those opportunities. For the first time in my life I do feel worth it which helps me immensely as I drive the gauntlet of fast food places (especially Burger King) passing them all up for the wonderful BLTs I had at home last night for dinner, or the leftover grilled BBQ pork chops I had for lunch Saturday. Those are the meals I look forward to now. That is the future I look forward to now.

So have a great start to your week, my friends, and good luck on your weight loss journeys. Remember, food may be awesome but you are more awesome and deserve better than you give yourself sometimes. So you don’t have to eat if you really don’t want to or feel ashamed to, because it will always feel better to open up and talk to someone – anyone – than to keep that stuff inside. And no matter what, as you try to walk that path of opportunity, I promise you one thing…you are not alone.

Day sixty-seven.

I am thinking about mortality today. No, not because of anything actually going on in my life but because of a link I was sent, a link to a “life expectancy calculator.” While I have never been the type of guy who wants to know too much (particularly the whens and hows of life ending) but I took this little quiz just for kicks and goggles but came away with something fascinating, both scary and wonderful at the same time. Check this out…

When you go to this “life expectancy calculator” on MSN.com’s website it asks you for several rounds of key information, everything from height and weight to history of diseases in family and your current habits. You guys know the drill. So I took a few moments to enter this information. When I got to the weight part I was very proud to enter a number that began with a 2 (for the record, I may be back down to 238 officially but I entered 240 just to be safe). Also, I had to guess on cholesterol levels but at least had my latest blood pressure readings from recent doctors visits (a healthy 120 over 80). Anyhow, I plugged in this info, all seven pages of it, and out came my result. According to this calculator I am gonna live until I am about 80, which is good (I think). That puts me at about half-life, if this calculator is to be believed and makes me very much like our own sun which, at about five-billion years old, is at half-life itself.

PS: I like being sunny.

Now for the scary yet exciting part. Again, for kicks and giggles, I entered information about my “former” self. The guy who started this weight loss journey back in 2005 at 400 pounds, had high blood pressure and was well on his way to – let’s just say an unhealthy life with poor quality of life. Shit! I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I entered in all my stats (again, taking my best guesses about blood pressure and cholesterol stats) my life expectancy was only 61 years! 61!!!!!

It seems, according to this calculator, I extended my life almost 20 years by losing all that weight. Woohoo!!!

Then I became sad. What if I had stayed 400 pounds? There is certainly no guarantee that I would have lived to even 61 at that weight and health level and you can’t convince me that I wasn’t well on my way to not being on this earth for very long past 40 eating and living the way I was.

Then I became excited. I thought, “I did put years, and good ones, back on my life by losing weight!” I thought about having almost 20 more years to do the things I’ve always wanted to do in life and became instantly grateful to God for the chances to do them in a healthier, leaner body – some of which I couldn’t physcially do because people wouldn’t let me.

I know that things like this “life expectancy calculator” are very subjective, non-scientific ways to tell you a story they do serve one purpose – they can help show you that losing weight, eating right, having good habits (like not smoking) and exercising DO ABSOLUTELY play a part in your longevity. And if you are anything like me you want as much time on this planet as possible to do those wonderful amazing things before we really and truly have to think about mortality.

So go ahead, ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AND USE THE CALCULATOR. What could it hurt? You have nothing to lose but almost everything to learn and gain…

Day sixty-six.

Well, here we are again, Hump Day, when we stop working to pay taxes and actually begin earning the wages we take home. In other words, we start working for ourselves. Today is interesting because Hump Day, for me, has two meanings. One, I am still trying to get over the hump of losing this extra bit of weight (grrrrrr). Two, I have been working for myself with working out, which means today I am going to my martial arts class later on this afternoon.

I don’t know about you guys but I feel damn good when I work for myself in anything, whether it is cooking, cleaning, doing laundry or working out. The fruits of that labor are seeing the completed food, a clean house, folded and available laundry and/or a scale with a lower number than yesterday. Those are the cool things about working for oneself. You get to set your own “blank,” and fill in that “blank” with whatever is appropriate for you…”hours,” “pace,” “schedule,” “goals,” etc. However, you also then have no one to answer to but you, and if you’re anything like me, we can be our own worst “blanks” (”bosses,” “critics,” “detractors,” etc.).

Let’s start with this weight loss thing of mine. Dammit all to hell! I thought I’d have this extra weight off by now. On one hand I am still doing very well. I have kept off the majority of the 175 I’ve lost but I still have a very stubborn 13 pounds to go to re-reach my goal. Being my own boss I have to say I haven’t been a very good “employee.” I’ve let me get away with lots. I’ve slacked off at times, ate what I wasn’t supposed to, had portions that were larger than needed, etc. But, when push comes to shove, like with keeping up with the martial arts workouts, I am good and dedicated and I know I will eventually lose that 13 pounds (which still is better than the 20 pounds it once was).

See, that’s what I mean. Even though I am doing well I still am able to find fault and that is both good and bad. It is good because it keeps me focused on continuing my good streak and my weight loss journey. It’s bad because you have to give yourself a “win” every now and then to stay happy and keep up morale and I don’t because instead of thinking about the weight I’ve been able to keep off with better eating and exercise I focus on what I’ve re-gained. I’ve had jobs like that, jobs that never looked at the good I was doing for the organization and always focused on the bad. What they didn’t have. “We didn’t get what the other guy got,” etc., and I was tired of that shit mainly because it was unfair. It set me up to fail because 1) I had to be a mind-reader to know the stupid, misguided whims and ideas of my old bosses and 2) I had to constantly beat the ground to produce (and believe me, I produced tons to the point where those fruits came to bear after I was “vocationally liberated”) and there is only so much you can do before press people get tired of hearing from you and start ignoring you. That is how PR works and that is how weight loss should not.

If you’ve lost ten pounds but gained back five, you’ve still lost five pounds and have kept it off. That is awesome. I have to remind myself to “take that win” and run with it. Sure, can and should we re-lose that other five, absolutely! But let’s look at what we’ve accomplished and take that win, too, for it is a big win especially on Hump Day, when all of us work hard to enjoy the fruits of our labor. For me, I am still seeing a big 2 at the beginning of my weight instead of a 4. The second digit is a 3 and is not a 4, 5 or (egads) 6.  And that last number will go down from the 8 it is currently. I know it will.

Hey, at least my “employee” didn’t drink another whole half-gallon of orange juice today. For that I am grateful. That is a win in-and-of itself. Have a great day, everyone.

Day sixty-five.

Damn Tom Selleck! I never thought I’d hear those words come out of my mouth (well, typed on my computer) but there they are. I know you must be asking why I am damning “Magnum P.I.” so I will tell you why. Because he is so damned convincing in his “drink orange juice” spiel that I did…a whole half-gallon of it last night. That’s right. I consumed an entire half-gallon of orange juice. Ugh. I feel so wasted.

My fascination with orange juice probablygoes back to me being a kid. My mom, JoAnn Larson, and I went to our local Walgreens which, back then, had a diner attached. Well, I thought I was the shit when she ordered coffee for herself and an “O.J. on the rocks” for me. Me, her son! She ordered what sounded so grown up and exotic that I was beside myself. Then, when I got it and realized it was orange juice on ice I loved it just the same, and have ever since. And yes, on “the rocks.”

So last night I satisfied my craving for Italian food (being that it was Columbus Day) with a delicious baked ziti and Italian sausage. It was absolutely delicious but when I looked in the fridge for something with which to wash it down I saw the “tower of power,” the unopened carton of orange juice. Knowing that I have something of an orange juice craving I promised myself I’d just have two glasses (two small glasses that is). However that went out of the window so fast I could barely see it. What started out as two quickly became six-and-a-half glasses (all with ice) and before I knew it I finished the container.

“DAMN!” I thought to myself as I angrily shoved the now-empty container into the trash bin. “I shouldn’t have had all that O.J.” I went to sulk on the couch, watch “The Event” and promptly fell asleep afterward. I was in a self-induced food coma and O.J. “drunk.” I woke up this morning a full pound over where I was yesterday and I am soooooooo not pleased. Not one bit.

Damn you, Tom Selleck.

O.K., I can’t really blame Magnum for my “drinking problem.” Despite the fact I’ve been doing really well staying away from regular Coca-Cola, orange juice will always be my downfall. I even looked up how much I drank. I consumed the entire carton of Minute Maid no pulp orange juice, which contains eight 8-ounce servings, each with 110 calories each. Yep, that means I drank 64-ounces of orange juice and 880 calories – JUST BY DRINKING. Grrrrrrr.

I know I know better but it does just go to show (and show me) we need to watch the calories we drink. I am still in shock over the whole thing. Of course there are things in the world that are so much worse that drinking that much O.J., but watching my weight and calories and what I ingest is critical to not only my health but my future. It is at once both health-related and economic (since I didn’t spread out that purchase over several meals as I should have). And can I just mention my weight again…

Well, as I am always fond of saying (and believing) today is another day and a chance to right the wrongs of yesterday. Addictive patterns run deep in me, that much is for sure, especially with food and drink and I am the first to admit I am addicted to food and not in very good ways. But I will pick myself up again and keep moving forward. I will get to the gym today and workout. I will NOT consume as much as I did yesterday. I will be better. I have to be, especially since the guy who originally was chosen to play Indiana Jones is telling me to drink 100% pure orange juice…

…with credentials like that, his smoking of cigars aside for the moment, how could “Magnum P.I.”  be wrong?

Day fifty-eight.

Woohoo! I continue my downward trend in my weight loss! Today I am at 240.2 thanks to just getting back on the horse. It may be raining outside but that’s doing nothing to dampen my spirits about getting back on track, and I am doing it with the help of some laundry that I very much needed to do.

C’mon! Admit it. There are times your laundry pile, well, is piled so high it might as well be called your laundry mountain. Am I right? We get through the week (eve two) not wanting to just get down and dirty with your down and dirties. Whether you hate folding, ironing, hanging or just the chore itself because it’s a pain in the ass to keep going up and downstairs laundry is actually very helpful when it comes to focus, determination and, most of all, achievement.

I love doing laundry. I love separating out the loads, stain-treating shirts and getting the piles to go into “the drink” for a must needed bath. But the part I enjoy most is the folding. When I was much younger (like around 20 or 21) I had the most rewarding job of my life working in a hospital laundry. There was such a simplicity to that gig. Yes, we folded literally hundreds of sheets and pillow cases every single day but it was beautiful in its simplicity AND it helped people. It was my way of contributing to the medical profession and the well-being of others. It was awesome and I will forever miss that job.

Today, when I sit and fold I either turn on a good movie or listen to some music and just lose myself in the chore because I get such a feeling of accomplishment when I am done and I see my piles of laundry, all neatly folded, ready to re-take their places in drawers, in closets or on shelves.  It’s great “me” time that reminds me so much of how just sitting down and tackling the work gets it done, and how it looks and feels afterward is a fruit of my labor.

That is what today is going to be devoted to, I think. My literal and figurative piles of laundry. Being all caught up in one’s own life “stuff” can mean that things get put aside, like taking care of yourself. But you have to keep taking care of yourself no matter what is going on. It may seem silly, even selfish, but if you don’t no one else will. The laundry ain’t gonna fold itself and put itself away. You have gto do that. The weight you (and I) need to lose won’t come off by itself. WE have to get to the gym, workout and eat better to lose it. Not to mention the fact that, while not burning that many calories, it burns calories while you’re doing it.

I know I geek out over strange stuff, usually “Star Wars” or other pop-culture fare, but laundry (and weight loss) is something I definitely get excited about. That’s because I see the commonality between the two. I choose to see how one is just like the other (or as Yoda would say “only different in your mind”). It may have been awhile since you attacked that laundry pile (or your exercise routine, or your better eating habits, etc.) but it’s time to start folding. Before you know it, your stack will be done and it will look great after all your hard work and effort.

Not to mention you’ll have lots more to wear when you go out, even on rainy days like today.

Day forty-seven.

Here it is, my friends. The end of another week. Boy, this one went fast! Didn’t it? At least it did for me. I have to say though, overall, it was a great week. My weight is down, I am eating better and working out consistently. All very cool things indeed. But I have to be honest. One of the best things about eating less and cooking more is how much freaking money you save.

Just this morning I made scrabled eggs and grits. Yes, grits. I loooove grits. They are awesome and I’ve loved them since I was a kid. I first had them at my mom, JoAnn’s, best friend’s house. When my mom dropped me off during summers so she could go to work, Rosalyn (a wonderful and sweet lady) made all us kids breakfast. She’d make eggs, bacon, maybe a pancake or two and grits. To this day I love grits, especially sticky ones. Hot sticky grits with butter and salt – now that’s good eatin.’ But I digress…Where was I? Oh, saving money and cooking breakfast. Right! Anywho, so I made breakfast this morning and had some diet V-8 Splash and thought about the money I saved eating in versus eating out. Let’s compare. Shall we?

Since this is New Jersey and not many restaurants at all (even in the diner mecca of the nation) even serve grits. So I have to do my comparative using a chain restaurant – Bob Evans. Not only do they have kick-ass breatfast (and awesome sausage) they serve grits. Now, if you were to go to Bob Evans and order what I ate today, which was two scrambled eggs and a bowl of grits, you’d pay in the neighborhood of $6.41. I know this because I called my closest Bob Evans and spoke to an incredibly rude service guy who seemed put out that I just wanted a price. Well, I compared that to spending about $3 per 24 oz. container of my grit-zy goodness and about $3 or $4 for a dozen organic, free range eggs (depending on your store). That means for the cost of about one-and-a-half meals at Bob Evans you could have 6 meals worth of eggs and grits. Not to mention you will have waaaaaay more grits than just six meals worth. I just counted six because a dozen eggs divided by two eggs per meal came out to six. Let me put it another way – to have six meals at Bob Evans, again consisting of only two scrambled eggs and a bowl of grits, you’d pay a whopping $38.46! Do you know how much more food that would buy you? Lots!

I am also starting to do this with my daily coffee and muffin habit from good old Dunkin’ Donuts.  One “Number 2″ at DD, which is a medium coffee and muffin, costs me $3.21. A box of muffin mix, which can make about a dozen or so large, Dunkin’ Donuts-sized muffins, will only run you about $3-ish. Now the muffins I have need only water and come with blueberries and raspberries (yum). A bag of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee from Target will run you only $7 or so bucks. So for about $10 you could have at least a dozen breakfasts from DD. THAT’S TWO WEEKS! Compare that to the $38.52 you’d spend for the exact same thing at DD. Damn. You can see how eating at home is a helluva lot better than eating out.

OK, was today’s blog a bit preachy on cost/benefit. Yep! But I promised I’d help you all out there with tips and this is a pretty good one especially going into the weekend when we ALL shop for groceries for at least part of the week. It may seem like you are spending tons at the store but when you apply that and figure out cost per meal you end up saving sooooo much money in the long run. Not to mention it feels great to have a heavier wallet, especially since I want it to be gaining weight, not me.

Have a great weekend. Talk to you Monday.

Day forty-five.

My friends,  since I don’t know what time of day you usually catch all the blog that’s fit to type (thank you, New York Times) I will wish you good day. I feel so energized today for two reasons: one, I had a wowzer of a twelve-step meeting last night and I am down in my weight thanks to some mighty powerful positive energy and a kick-ass workout yesterday at the gym.

Let’s start with the gym…

I know I’ve said this before but I am sticking to my guns now – I am making working out my religion again. No, there is nothing that replaces God, but working out makes me feel, well, “high.” It gives me both a physical and mental boost and I got the chance yesterday to work out – both physically and mentally – a lot of the demons that had come to visit these past couple of days.  It felt good to employ much of what my sensei Doug Shaffer is teaching me about mixed martial arts as part of my workout. I did leg work and arm work. Hell, I even did roundhouse kicks and had a great day with my ever-aging hip. I did my tricep dips, push-ups and shadowboxing (which works up a sweat by itself). Also , I am eating better, too. That is the vital co-component to any weight loss, don’t forget. I am working out AND also not eating the comfort foods, and I am drinking more water. Because of that I am enjoying my new downward trend, thank you very much. Even with just a few days of recommitment I saw a 239.2 on my scale today, and I so can’t wait to hit the gym again today. Woohoo!!!!

As for my twelve-step meeting last night I have to say it was a whopper. You’ve heard me talk about my meetings before but last night I attended such a powerful meeting I just have to share. I will never betray the tenets of the meetings (meaning I will never discuss details, names, etc.) but suffice it to say I am a true believer in those meetings. They offer places in which individuals from all walks of life can  let it all out and allows people to  express themselves – whether through anger, sadness, contemplation or happiness – in the safest, most non-judgmental environments. We are all there for various reasons connected through addiction, but I pray for some of those people sometimes. I really do, especially in a world that would shun, ridicule, belittle or make fun of us for even being there. At least for that hour we are safe from all that BS, and our shame, anger, worry, resentment and misery all have company.

When I left that meeting I looked up at the sky and thanked God for the positive things and people in my life, because many people in that room do not have that going for them, and many also have other addictions they are fighting, not the least of which is food – something to which I can totally relate. That’s why I was so jazzed to hit the gym. Working out centers me. It lets me know I am putting sweat-equity into myself and doing work on myself both spiritually and physically. It helps me make “living amends” to myself and others and keeps me on the path to be that better man.

Have a wonderful, positive day, my friends. Go and conquer the world, or at least your parts of it. You are so worthy of success in whatever form, but especially in weight loss. If losing weight is your goal, go for it. I am proud of you and with you 100%. And I know this blog is rambly today and I apologize. I am still in utter appreciation, wonder and, admittedly, shock over some of the things I heard last night. And even when I might not feel O.K.  I will be O.K. We all will be because of one simple thing…we are here now, and present in our own lives and that makes all the difference in the world. And  I am going to do my best to stay here and be here for as long as I am here.

Hear, hear!

Day forty.

Well, my friends, it’s the end of another week and, as usual, I am out of creative juice. I am done, fini, toast…ready to start a weekend of working out, writing and catching up on life a bit. You know, laundry, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, laundry…oh, and did I mention laundry? I have to be sure I remember that one. But all of that is truly O.K. and I will tell you why…

Do any of you out there wear glasses or contact lenses? With few exceptions it seems everyone I know wears some form of occular support. I have always been a glasses man, myself. The thought of putting something in my eye that could get scratched, torn or lost has always seemed too much for me. My aversion to things in my eye happened way back when when my father, before he left, said he had a bad eye infection because something got in it. When my mom told him she wanted to see it he removed his sunglasses to reveal a huge ball under his eye (I can’t remember which eye right now) that all but shut it. She was furious at him for not taking care of it and I was scared – and scarred for life. Ever since then I’ve always sought out the most groovy pair of glasses I could find because surgery or contacts were not an option.

I bring all this up because I love my glasses, for they are more than glasses. They are bi-focals. Best. Glasses. Ever. I know you think I’m off my rocker but I love my bi-focals and am not embarrased in the least to share with the world the fact that I need them. I am so into them that I always make the joke about seeing above the line is like regular analog TV and below the line is like switching over to an HDTV. Regular, HD, Regular, HD. Hell, my glasses are even a toy for me sometimes.

Since finally coming to grips with the addictions in my life, which do include food, it’s like I now see the world constantly through the HD portion of my glasses. Everything is clearer and in much-sharper focus. I am seeing things in far more vivid color and things I failed to see before, especially about myself, are now clear as a bell.  I wish I could truly convey what that feeling is like. Just think about watching a regular TV and then an HD one and you get the gist.

I have also come to know a healthier way of eating these days, too. Cooking more, eating out less (which, can I tell you saves a shitload of money) and exercising has helped me get a handle on the weight loss portion of my life these days – much like it did before when I had far more weight to lose. It’s just the fine-tuning of the last damned 15 or so pounds that gets ya’. But I will get that weight off, especially now that I know what my triggers are and I can see them clearly.

It’s funny when you get a song in your head that won’t go away. Right at this minute I have the Johnny Nash song “I Can See Clearly Now” in my head:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

That is exactly how I feel right now. My dark clouds are gone. I am no longer blind. I can see clearly now and that is a beautiful feeling especially as we start the weekend. I may have to use my handy and trusty bi-focals but I wouldn’t trade them, or my newly-found ability to see things, for all the tea in China because there are nothing but blue skies all around and it truly is a sun-shiny day. That is why things like laundry, cleaning and the seemingly other dull moments in life are the ones truly worth living for.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Be well and be healthy. I’ll catch up with you again on Monday. Oh, and don’t forget to remind me to tell you if I survived my craving for Twinkies.