Determined To Succeed

Day one-hundred-sixty-three.

Bah! It is a dreary-ass day here in southern New Jersey. It’s chilly, freezing-rainy and just a crap day to do anything outside.

(psssssst…don’t tell my mind I am down in my weight. I am trying to distract him…)

Ugh! It is miserable outside and all it makes me want to do is curl up on the couch, turn on TV and be all warm and toasty watching something stupid.

(shhhhhh! Fact is, I am back down to 247.4 today and I am sick of going back up in my weight. Sooooooo, I am trying to convince my mind not to obsess about it so we can continue down this path. It seems that every time my mind thinks too hard we tend to go off-track and gain weight back.)

So what am I going to do today? Well…I do have some housework I need to do, have some errands and things I need to catch up on and some writing I need to do. You know the usual for me.

(All that stuff and I am going to drag me out into the cold, blah weather to workout because it does seem to be working.)

So I am going to do my best not to let this rainy and cold winter day go by without being productive.

(Yeah! Me, too. It’s already 18 days into 2011 and I am sick and tired of still carrying around this twenty extra pounds. More than that I am tired of my mind boo-hooing about it. “Oh, woe is me!” Well, screw that! There’s no way on this earth, even with eating better, that we can lose weight without working out. Sure, we have to get dressed and ready to hit the gym but the rewards are amazing. I am now up to doing 50-plus minutes on the elliptical plus tricep dips, push-ups, stretches and tummy crunches. What does that all mean? It means I am at least keeping my weight at bay. Now if I can only convince my mind to lay off on portion sizes we’d all be OK).

Well, I wish I had more to write today but I don’t. I fear I’m going to be boring today and that’s OK. Boring can be good, I guess.

(Yes, it can, especially when boring means getting me, myself and I back into a good exercise routine).

So have as good a day as you guys can today and I will check back in soon…

(And so will I…)

…to see how things are going.

(I second that!)

And from the both of us, if you made a new year’s resolution to lose weight and keep it off (it is on our – sorry, my – 40/40 list) then we absolutely will. But time’s a tickin’ and 2011 is now in full swing…

(…and I am keeping my fingers crossed I can give you more good news next time I check in with you guys. We are all in this together. Me included. It’s hard as crap to lose weight, especially when warm comfort foods like mashed potatoes, heavy soups, chilis, pot pies and generally unhealthy, heavy things sound really freaking good. But we will. We will, I promise. We just have to keep our heads out of it sometimes and not think about doing it. Just do it).

Day one-hundred-ten.

O.K. So? How did you do on Thanksgiving? Did you go off half-cocked and eat your fill? Or did you go off fully-cocked and clean your plates twice (and finish off others’ too)? I actually did O.K., but just O.K. I had one big plate of food, but just one. I had no dessert (I couldn’t have fit it inside me anyway – after all, my body is not Doctor Who’s TARDIS) but hours later I did have a small plate of fresh leftovers. In the end, like I said, I think I did O.K., and later today I will be working out. Or should I say working off (smile)? No matter the case, I enjoyed Turkey Day 2010, but now it’s time for serious work.

I said in my post on Wednesday that sometimes the holidays are about weight maintenance, and that is the truth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to the food gods to NOT gain weight. But that’s not how things work. The only way things work is when I make them work, plain and simple. That goes for all aspects of my life. All our lives, really, including food.

My biggest problem has always been portion control. It’s a thing that goes back for me to when I was a kid. My mom, who always did her absolute very best and worked so hard, did put food on our table, but there were times we both had less than what we wanted. There were times we went a bit hungry. That’s how I came to hoarde food, a trait I carried with me into adulthood. Sigh. Old habits die hard, I guess. Really, really hard.

So, as I surveyed the bounty on the table yesterday I gave thanks to God for the good things in my life, gave thanks for being able to become a better person, gave thanks and prayers for and to my mom, JoAnn (who I imagined had just as bountiful a Thanksgiving in Heaven as I did here) and gave thanks for the food in front of me. Then, I took a breath and decided I was only going to have one plate of food.

After all, no one was going to take my food away from me.

Now it’s the day after and I am thinking about returning to normalcy, returning to my routine of working out and eating smaller portions. Thanksgiving is an amazing day but today is another day, a Friday (and hell no – I didn’t go out at 2:00 a.m. to shop for Black Friday specials), a day leading into the weekend and you guys know how I sometimes fear the weekends. Sigh again, but it’s all O.K. It’s O.K. because, one, I know that Thanksgiving is a day to be enjoyed, food and all. Two, because weight loss and maintenance is all about getting into (or back into) routines and that is what I will be doing. What, I think, we will all be doing.

So, have a wonderful weekend, my friends in weight loss. I am also thankful to all of you, as well. We are all in this together and I am human. I love my turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and everything. But today is another day and this is another weekend, and by the time you next read me I will have worked out three times…and hopefully eaten less, too.

Day one-hundred-three.

It’s Friday and I am sitting at my desk contemplating things, and I guess when I say “contemplating” I really mean “worrying about” things. I am “contemplating” the weekend, Thanksgiving, my birthday, the holidays (Christmas) and New Year’s Eve – all of which have one thing in common, food. I know I am the master of my own destiny when it comes to food and crap but ’tis the season to be jolly and ’tis the season to eat. Eat. EAT!

I already have worries enough about weekends, those times where I know I will either eat more than I should, not workout as much as I should or both. I don’t know why I worry so much, either. I mean I will be working out, at least tomorrow (Saturday) and might have a go on Sunday, too, but in my mind it’s social time, I guess. Not to mention our weather is starting to get colder and our animalistic instincts take over so we eat to store up fat for the winter. Grrrrr. I will just have to stay good and keep repeating that to myself as I take deep breaths and head to the gym.

Then, coming this next week, is Thanksgiving, my favorite food holiday, and I know I will be weak for all the trimmings that turkey brings to the table. I will be – wait for it – gobbling it all up (insert moans for bad pun here) and I just have to take deep breaths and know two things: one, that no one is going to take that food from me and two, that I should eat my first plate slowly and wait to feel full before I possibly – POSSIBLY – go in for plate two. Again, deep DEEP breaths.

Following Thanksgiving (again, a moment of silence for what is sure to be the pound or two I gain) is my birthday, and not just any birthday – my 40th. The 19th anniversary of my 21st and I do plan to celebrate life. I just have to remember to take deep breaths before diving into any kind of food stuffs (although I am sure a drink or six might be involved somewhere along the line).

Finally, the holidays, Christmas and New Year’s Eve – more food, making merry and eating! Egads! No wonder so many of us make resolutions to lose weight in the new year. We simply just want to lose what we’ve gained over the holidays and the winter being all animalistic.

So, O.K. There it is, laid out before us like a road on a map I sure as hell don’t want to follow but have to. And it’s not that I dislike this time of year. I like it very, very much. I just am slowly – SLOWLY – creeping back down in my weight (I am at 240.8 today) and I don’t want that headway to be lost. That’s all. But foods of this time of year are so full of warm, comforty goodness. Dammit! What’s a fat guy like me to do?

Stop.

Close my eyes.

Take a deep breath.

That’s what I have to do and hopefully that breath will fill my mind with the fresh air it needs to think clearly and fill my tummy with goodness so I don’t just stuff my face.

First thing’s first…let’s get through this weekend. Deep breath time. Have a great weekend, everyone, and good luck.

Day ninety-five (and a half).

O.K. I have to confess I am writing my Friday/Saturday/Sunday weekend weight loss blog on Thursday night instead of Friday morning. I have a meeting I need to attend way the hell out in bufu (is that how you spell it?) which starts at 9:00 a.m. So, instead of getting up before dawn starts cracking (and I was still sleeping for all intents and purposes anyway) I figured I’d give everyone my best, take advantage of my good momentum today and kick off all our weekends a bit early.

I did carry through with what I said I was gonna do. After I was all done posting my mushy, gushy mashed potato blog (mmmmm, mashed potatoes – oh, sorry) I took myself to go workout. It was awesome. I did my usual half-hour on the elliptical followed by some shadowboxing, tummy crunches, push-ups (yeah, you heard me, push-ups!), leg kicks and yoga. It was the most relaxing hour, not to mention it felt soooooo good on my achy right hip. Also, the gym was nearly empty which is awesome. I have to say working out gives me mental momentum, too. There’s something about sweating that clears the mind and helps you focus (well, at least it helps me focus).  And after the afore-mentioned meeting tomorrow (Friday) I plan to ditch my suit and throw on some sweats and hit the gym yet again.

Nothing like momentum to keep ya’ going, eh?

I also feel like such a bonehead. I completely forgot to mention it is Veterans Day today (Thursday), a day during which we honor our past and present military which is also observed as Remembrance Day in other parts of the world. Falling on November 11, Veterans Day marks the anniversary of the signing of the Armistice that ended World War I (major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice).

As many of you have read I am celebrating my own different and unique kind of peace. A peace that can only be achieved when demons are vanquished and the mind, body and spirit are brought back together as one, which for me took years. I said it the other day, I am saying it now and I will say it forever – I will let nothing, absolutely NOTHING, take away my peace. So going into this Veterans Day evening I wanted to mention a couple of things…

…one, how grateful I am to our past and present military for their service to this country for it is because of their service (and sacrifice) we enjoy freedom. It is absolutely our duty to keep in touch with what’s going on in the world (including the recently foiled bomb plots) to constantly remind ourselves what they fought, and are fighting, for. That we can enjoy peace in our own homes with our families is a gift. So thank you to all who serve(d).

…two, that the personal peace I am enjoying right now is something I want to enjoy forever, so I do not think mentioning momentum (something which implies movement) and peace (something that implies blissful rest) in the same sentence is wrong. One helps get to the other and I so want to continue my momentum for personal peace – peace in mind, my body in in my spirit – for the rest of my life.

 I do not know how many of you are out there checking in with me and Determined To Succeed (and thank you if you do) but I hope you get a chance to take care of yourselves this weekend, too. It’s supposed to be beautiful this weekend, with mild weather in the low- to even the mid-sixties (at least here in southern New Jersey). Unbelievable! That means I get a bonus chance to do some outdoor working out. Even if it’s  just a walk around the park it sounds great, looking at all the trees turning their gorgeous fall colors. Awesome! Simply awesome! It is that perfect chance for  momentum towards inner peace I want us all to continue not just this weekend but each and every day. For if we keep that momentum going, pressing forward and doing what we need to do we can achieve that peace – peace of mind, peace of body and peace in soul – we all strive for in our lives and which I strive for in mine.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And if you know or are a vet, tell them thank you for me, too. Talk to you all on Monday.

Day ninety-three.

I can’t begin to tell you all the times Bill Ivory Larson wakes up on a given morning NOT feeling like doing something that particular day. Going to the store. Cleaning the house. Making a phone call to a creditor or business. Putting my nice warm and toasty feet on the cold, hard floor. It doesn’t matter. From time to time all of us face that point where we have to do something that we don’t want to do but have to do anyway.

Take for example working out, which for me has been more mental than anything lately. It’s not that I hate going to the gym. In fact, I love going and love sweating my ass off when I’m there. Sometimes, though, it’s purely because I HAVE TO GO that makes me not WANT to go. Know what I mean? It’s that I wish I didn’t HAVE to do it all the time. I wish I was one of those people who could (seemingly) eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce AND look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine ad. But noooooooooo! I HAVE to go workout if I am going to merely keep my weight down. Bah! Bah, I say! The same goes for eating more nutritious foods, eating right and exercising portion control.

I know I should have a better mental attitude sometimes about weight loss. I absolutely do but I am human. But the thing that makes me know this is a story my sensei, Doug Shaffer, told me last week.

Doug told me the story of a kid he knew (you know a story will never end well when the words “kid” and “knew” crop up. Very foreboding, indeed) who was onloy twenty-one years old and died from an asthma attack. Poor guy. Went to a party, got plastered, went back to his place and zonked out. Somehow, he started having an attack and couldn’t get to his medicine (or was passed out while it was happening) and he died. he was found the next day by his girlfriend.

Just twenty-one, and with so much life ahead of him.

The reason I tell you that story today (and tell myself that story) is that we cannot sit on our butts and wait to feel like we WANT to do something. If there is something we have to do we should just go do it, for the love of God, and get it out of the way. I know I have never in my life been good at doing that because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings (that they wouldn’t like me anymore), or that there would be repercussions (like at my former job where you would just not want to open your mouth out of dread and a constant fear of being fired for daring to speak out). If we wait, if I wait, to do do something for when I WANT to do it I might be waiting a long time. Worse, I will be wasting time in the process, and I have wasted too much time on addictions to waste anymore of it on silly things that are only in my head.

Next month, I am going to celebrate being 40 years old and in the coming weeks I will tell you how I plan to celebrate my birthday all year long. But in the meantime I’m just going to think about how I lived almost 19 years longer than a kid who died simply because he couldn’t take a breath. I know exactly how that feels. I, too, had asthma so bad I couldn’t breathe at times. Hell, it even made me pass out once. I’ve lived 19 years longer and that means I SHOULD do something with that and because of that. That is purpose. That is drive. That is will.

I will because I must make the most of each and every day. No. Matter. What.

My friends, if there is something you don’t want to do today but know that you have to keep two things in mind. One, that you are not alone. There are so many others facing similar feelings about their own situations. Two, once you get it over with you will feel so much better and can move on to the things you WANT to do (and yes, that does include eating what you should and exercising to keep weight in check). That is what I will do today. Do the things I need to do to make the time to do what I want to do.

In honor of that kid who didn’t make it to see 22.

In honor of my mom, JoAnn Larson, so I do not disappoint her.

Most of all, for myself so I can be the man I’ve always wanted to be and now strive for every day. One of which my mom can be proud and I can say did the hard things even if he didn’t want to so that he, and those closest to him, could be happy in the long run.

Day eighty-six.

Alrighty then. Let’s start today with a recap of yesterday…

…I was up to 241.3. I was grumpy about it. I wanted to workout. I was gonna eat better and lighter. I was gonna do a food journal again.

Of all of that here is what I did do…

…I ended up not working out because I spent way too much time setting up a new computer at home (stupid internet…I almost broke it again) but I did eat much better yesterday. I started with two slices of cinnamon toast with butter. Then for lunch I had one grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup (awesome for a chilly fall day AND the heaviest meal). For dinner I had one (just one) cajun chicken breast, couscous and broccoli. For snacks I had a banana and some homemade trail mix (walnuts, craisins, pumpkin seeds and raisins). I kept myself to one soda (a diet root beer) and just one large glass of orange juice. Not too shabby, actually given how I have been eating lately and today I’ve already had my toast with a small glass of o.j.

Today, I am down ever so slightly. I am at 241.1 (hell, it’s better being two ounces down than up) and I am looking forward to eating much lighter again today. I wish I could say I am going to eat like a bird but birds actually eat (or try to eat) a helluva lot in the course of a day compared to their body weight. So I will just say I will try to eat extremely lightly today and not eat like the little winged ones swooping in and out of view looking for yummy morsels of grub on this chilly Fall day.

It’s hard, though. With the change in season and change in temperature to eat lighter. I don’t know about you but when the temperatures drop I think of hearty soups and stews and heavier meals that stick to your ribs, not salads and things. I do, however, have to do my best to remember that Fall and Winter, especially are dangerous times for me when it comes to eating. Not because it triggers anything emotional, but because it activates that basic human need to store-up for the winter and to eat then hibernate like your average bear (or just curl up on the couch and become a potato).

Yeah, it’s hard but it has to be done. Ground is always gained and lost in the battle of the bulge and in weight loss but it can be won even during the colder months. We (and I) just have to stick to it and be much better about everything all around – eating and exercising. I need to do that every single day, not just today. And speaking of today it’s election day across the country and no matter whether you’re Republican or Democrat, liberal or conservative I encourage you to get out and vote.  This way you not only do your civic duty but it gets you up and out (if you have elections in your area) and gets you moving.

Last night “Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace” was on TV and even though the film is awful (yes, me, a huge Star Wars fan saying a Star Wars film is awful) there are bits that are cool, like when Palpatine says wityh utmost certainty “I will be chancelor.” Well, with the same conviction I say I will re-lose this weight. As sure as Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, and eventually returned to the good side of the Force again, I will lose weight.

So until tomorrow, my friends. Stay strong and be well. We will make it. You’ll see.

Day sixty-six.

Well, here we are again, Hump Day, when we stop working to pay taxes and actually begin earning the wages we take home. In other words, we start working for ourselves. Today is interesting because Hump Day, for me, has two meanings. One, I am still trying to get over the hump of losing this extra bit of weight (grrrrrr). Two, I have been working for myself with working out, which means today I am going to my martial arts class later on this afternoon.

I don’t know about you guys but I feel damn good when I work for myself in anything, whether it is cooking, cleaning, doing laundry or working out. The fruits of that labor are seeing the completed food, a clean house, folded and available laundry and/or a scale with a lower number than yesterday. Those are the cool things about working for oneself. You get to set your own “blank,” and fill in that “blank” with whatever is appropriate for you…”hours,” “pace,” “schedule,” “goals,” etc. However, you also then have no one to answer to but you, and if you’re anything like me, we can be our own worst “blanks” (”bosses,” “critics,” “detractors,” etc.).

Let’s start with this weight loss thing of mine. Dammit all to hell! I thought I’d have this extra weight off by now. On one hand I am still doing very well. I have kept off the majority of the 175 I’ve lost but I still have a very stubborn 13 pounds to go to re-reach my goal. Being my own boss I have to say I haven’t been a very good “employee.” I’ve let me get away with lots. I’ve slacked off at times, ate what I wasn’t supposed to, had portions that were larger than needed, etc. But, when push comes to shove, like with keeping up with the martial arts workouts, I am good and dedicated and I know I will eventually lose that 13 pounds (which still is better than the 20 pounds it once was).

See, that’s what I mean. Even though I am doing well I still am able to find fault and that is both good and bad. It is good because it keeps me focused on continuing my good streak and my weight loss journey. It’s bad because you have to give yourself a “win” every now and then to stay happy and keep up morale and I don’t because instead of thinking about the weight I’ve been able to keep off with better eating and exercise I focus on what I’ve re-gained. I’ve had jobs like that, jobs that never looked at the good I was doing for the organization and always focused on the bad. What they didn’t have. “We didn’t get what the other guy got,” etc., and I was tired of that shit mainly because it was unfair. It set me up to fail because 1) I had to be a mind-reader to know the stupid, misguided whims and ideas of my old bosses and 2) I had to constantly beat the ground to produce (and believe me, I produced tons to the point where those fruits came to bear after I was “vocationally liberated”) and there is only so much you can do before press people get tired of hearing from you and start ignoring you. That is how PR works and that is how weight loss should not.

If you’ve lost ten pounds but gained back five, you’ve still lost five pounds and have kept it off. That is awesome. I have to remind myself to “take that win” and run with it. Sure, can and should we re-lose that other five, absolutely! But let’s look at what we’ve accomplished and take that win, too, for it is a big win especially on Hump Day, when all of us work hard to enjoy the fruits of our labor. For me, I am still seeing a big 2 at the beginning of my weight instead of a 4. The second digit is a 3 and is not a 4, 5 or (egads) 6.  And that last number will go down from the 8 it is currently. I know it will.

Hey, at least my “employee” didn’t drink another whole half-gallon of orange juice today. For that I am grateful. That is a win in-and-of itself. Have a great day, everyone.

Day fifty-two.

Ugh. I have a cold and I feel like crap today. It started with the always-suspicious scratchy, drippy throat yesterday. As soon as I felt it start I knew I was in for it, but I fought the brave fight. Even at my meeting last night I nursed a 32-ounce (!) hot tea from McDonald’s (one of the only things I will but from them AND it was on the way) complete with honey. I tried but, alas, the common cold won and today my throat is swollen and hurts like a mutha’, I have a slight fever and I am run down. As I said before…ugh!

I know I need to conserve strength today and rest. The problem inherent with that (and feeling like crap) is that you don’t feel like working out AND you need your strength to fight the bug so you have to eat. I don’t know about you but even looking at food sometimes adds inches to my thighs and belly, let alone actually having it. Double ugh! But I know that’s what I need and I will do it so I can get better faster (damned air-conditioning inside/humid-hot weather outside).

Despite feeling crappy, last night’s meeting was awesome. So many of us were sharing stories about ourselves and how we turned to food as comfort to help deal with shame, pain and events in our lives we all wanted to push down and forget. It was amazing learning that much more about the guys in the group, and oh how it helps knowing I’m not the only one who used/uses food to do that. Wow. So cool (yet so sad), indeed.

Food is always a temptation, isn’t it? No matter where you live you can always find some semblance of your “comfort foods” from childhood, your favorite ice-cream at the store, egg rolls, sandwich, loaded french fries, etc. Man, I wish I could go back in time and invest in then up-and-coming companies like Coke, Hostess and the like. This way, as I got to 400 pounds I’d me helping to make myself rich in the process (just a little fat humor there). I also wish I knew why food almost always is used to dull pain. I know the scientific reasons – that it triggers the release of dopamine (sp) and seratonin (sp) in the brain (pleasure chemicals) that make us feel euphoric. But I am talking about the actual WHY we search for pleasure in food.

Maybe it is because it is a constant. Maybe we always turn to food because it is always there, no matter where we live in the world. While so many of us feel fears of abandonment in life we know food won’t do that. It IS always there, readily available and standing by. (Shaking head) I see now how it works. See, this is how my brain functions when it’s got a fever and I’m feeling crappy. I just start thinking about the great mysteries of life and how to solve them. That’s why when we (O.K., I) move to a new area we both seek out and are bombarded with ads for easy foods like pizza. It is recognizable and, despite its many variations, pizza, after all, is pizza.

My friends, you’re gonna have to forgive me today for the blog being short and incoherent but, after a hard day of waking up with a cold, I need to go back to resting. But I will be going back to thinking about the why’s I ate/eat the way I did/do. Sure we need food but we don’t NEED food as much as we think we do. Sometimes just knowing we are not alone and can talk to people is more than enough to satisfy our real craving – for human company and understanding.

Day fifty-one.

This morning I am thinking about demons. Demons that seem unstoppable and invincible. Demons that, no matter what, can stand up to even time itself, the supposed great healer of all. Well, there are some things that time doesn’t take away, like pain. For example, it’s been almost a year and four months already since my mom, JoAnn Larson, passed away and I still feel that moment as if it were yesterday. I still feel the absence of her on this earth and, from what I hear from others who’ve lost parents, always will. Sure, time takes away some of the immediate sting but it never takes away the memory of the pain itself, and oh, how I wish it did.

When I was a child I was so ashamed of how I was living the shame became a tangible thing I touched every day. I felt my surroundings not only around me but inside me. I became saturated by the sights, sounds and smells of where I was living. I felt the roaches crawl on my skin. I could almost feel the gritty dirt on the faded light green of the walls. I smelled the accumulated smells in the carpet in the long hallway of my apartment building floor as the building passed into decrepit oblivion – the dust, garbage, people, old food, must and rodents all part of a gigantic trap from which I felt no release. Hell, I am also quite sure I went to school smelling of old cigarettes, since my mother loved unfiltered Pall Malls and we did live in one very small room. To this day I cannot stand the smell of old cigarette smoke which does get everywhere instantly no matter what a smoker might tell you to the contrary. That is a pain from which I have been removed for more than twenty years but which still helped define me, both in good ways and bad.

The pain and shame of that place, combined with burying that pain and numbing it with X, Y and Z helped to create an addict, one that became seriously addicted to food as part of a cycle that led me to my life’s rock bottom. Then, lump on other unhappinesses, disappointments, anger, the inability to express myself, job stress, relationship bullshit and more and, over the years, the pain and shame became sentient, a living breathing demon who still inhabits parts of my brain and soul.

When you train yourself to numb things it is very hard to not numb them anymore. Food tastes good. I love good Chinese food (notice I said GOOD Chinese food, like Chicago good not Jersey/Philly so-so), I love sweet rolls (good bakery sweet rolls like my mom and I used to get on Sundays to eat while reading the paper), I love ice-cold Coca-Colas which at one point were bottles of ice-cold Pepsi, I love mashed potatoes, fried things, chocolate things, buttery things, Italian Beefs, cheesesteaks, french fries…I love it all. But I was “using,” using all that and more to numb a pain and truth which I have only recently come to grapple with and understand. Once I did that I was truly able to see food and other things weren’t enjoyable, they were the heroin I injected into my veins to make the world and its reality go away for just a little while.

That is addiction. That is food addiction. When using what is normal, everyday, commonplace pleasurable and warping it into something that not only is bad but also feeds the demon(s) born from long days ago. That is how demons can withstand the test of time.

I am doing my absolute best to curtail these demons and live a healthier, happier life. In fact I’m gonna fight the food demon as soon as I am done posting today by working out in the gym (since it is quite rainy today in southern New Jersey). Fifty-one days is truly a blessing and one on which I intend to build a foundation of good for my life and those wonderful people in it. I won’t let them down because I won’t let myself down again. Not like that. Not ever.

Time may heal some things but it doesn’t heal others. That’s O.K., because it’s what we do with today that matters. We may not be able to change what happened before but we sure as hell can control what happens today, tomorrow and in all the tomorrows yet to come.And so far I have fifty-one of them. Of all the things I’ve collected in my lifetime, days of sobriety are what I want a treasure trove of in the future.

Day forty-seven.

Here it is, my friends. The end of another week. Boy, this one went fast! Didn’t it? At least it did for me. I have to say though, overall, it was a great week. My weight is down, I am eating better and working out consistently. All very cool things indeed. But I have to be honest. One of the best things about eating less and cooking more is how much freaking money you save.

Just this morning I made scrabled eggs and grits. Yes, grits. I loooove grits. They are awesome and I’ve loved them since I was a kid. I first had them at my mom, JoAnn’s, best friend’s house. When my mom dropped me off during summers so she could go to work, Rosalyn (a wonderful and sweet lady) made all us kids breakfast. She’d make eggs, bacon, maybe a pancake or two and grits. To this day I love grits, especially sticky ones. Hot sticky grits with butter and salt – now that’s good eatin.’ But I digress…Where was I? Oh, saving money and cooking breakfast. Right! Anywho, so I made breakfast this morning and had some diet V-8 Splash and thought about the money I saved eating in versus eating out. Let’s compare. Shall we?

Since this is New Jersey and not many restaurants at all (even in the diner mecca of the nation) even serve grits. So I have to do my comparative using a chain restaurant – Bob Evans. Not only do they have kick-ass breatfast (and awesome sausage) they serve grits. Now, if you were to go to Bob Evans and order what I ate today, which was two scrambled eggs and a bowl of grits, you’d pay in the neighborhood of $6.41. I know this because I called my closest Bob Evans and spoke to an incredibly rude service guy who seemed put out that I just wanted a price. Well, I compared that to spending about $3 per 24 oz. container of my grit-zy goodness and about $3 or $4 for a dozen organic, free range eggs (depending on your store). That means for the cost of about one-and-a-half meals at Bob Evans you could have 6 meals worth of eggs and grits. Not to mention you will have waaaaaay more grits than just six meals worth. I just counted six because a dozen eggs divided by two eggs per meal came out to six. Let me put it another way – to have six meals at Bob Evans, again consisting of only two scrambled eggs and a bowl of grits, you’d pay a whopping $38.46! Do you know how much more food that would buy you? Lots!

I am also starting to do this with my daily coffee and muffin habit from good old Dunkin’ Donuts.  One “Number 2″ at DD, which is a medium coffee and muffin, costs me $3.21. A box of muffin mix, which can make about a dozen or so large, Dunkin’ Donuts-sized muffins, will only run you about $3-ish. Now the muffins I have need only water and come with blueberries and raspberries (yum). A bag of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee from Target will run you only $7 or so bucks. So for about $10 you could have at least a dozen breakfasts from DD. THAT’S TWO WEEKS! Compare that to the $38.52 you’d spend for the exact same thing at DD. Damn. You can see how eating at home is a helluva lot better than eating out.

OK, was today’s blog a bit preachy on cost/benefit. Yep! But I promised I’d help you all out there with tips and this is a pretty good one especially going into the weekend when we ALL shop for groceries for at least part of the week. It may seem like you are spending tons at the store but when you apply that and figure out cost per meal you end up saving sooooo much money in the long run. Not to mention it feels great to have a heavier wallet, especially since I want it to be gaining weight, not me.

Have a great weekend. Talk to you Monday.