Determined To Succeed

Hey there.

Even though the weather people are calling for possible showers later on this afternoon or this evening it is bright and sunny this morning, and I am sitting at my computer doing my best to be just as sunny.

You may be wondering why I was so bummed out in my weekend blog post. Well, I’ll tell you why. I was not selected as one of the online finalists in Oprah’s “Win Your OWN Show” contest. There were a total of 9,504 videos posted to her website and more than 143 million votes tallied. I thought I did a decent job at showing off my “skeelz” as a host and stuff in my video but, alas, I guess eight others impressed voters more and on Friday eight people were announced as finalists and yours truly wasn’t among them.

When I received that e-blast that said “Meet Your OWN Show Online Winners” my heart skipped a beat. I was like “Um, O.K. Is this how they are reaching out to us all?” So I nervously clicked on the link in the e-blast and BAM, there they were. Eight lucky people. Eight OTHER people. I felt like the kid not chosen to be on either team in a game of baseball, and while I was trying to always remain cautiously optimistic I am by nature an optimist so I kept hoping I would see my face among the winners. I would get an e-mail. I would get a call.

I can’t speak for anyone else but when my adrenaline/excitement builds it stores up like ammo stored up for a fight. And when I received the news I was such a range of emotions – sad, disappointed, afraid, curious, mad, dumbfounded – that all I could think about was unloading that stockpile of energy ammo on the one thing I knew would make me feel better – food. In my blog on Saturday I wished I knew the “why” of emotional eating. I think I finally figured out how to answer that question. You don’t have a way to channel the energies that build up inside you from those emotions so you turn to something you’re familiar with, food, to burn it all off.

Speaking of burning it all off I kicked the shit out of the punching bag on Saturday at my rescheduled martial arts class. Since starting my class I figured out which side is my weaker side for kicking and hitting, then used the other, stronger side to beat, punch and otherwise torture the heavy bag working off much of that stored up energy and disappointment from Friday’s news.

After my class I started to feel better and I started looking at things in a slightly different way. If I hadn’t entered that contest I never would have put together an audition reel, and it is that reel I am going to send to different people and agents and stuff to see who else might be interested. Just because this one door closed doesn’t mean there aren’t a hundred more wide open waiting for me to step through. I know that in my head, but it’s the heart you usually have to convince about these things hence the bag of Oreo Cookies, Coca-Colas and other things we will not mention this morning.

There is so much else going on in the world and I know I sound trite and petty and selfish (and definitely whiny) about all of this, but I wanted it. I wanted it and felt I was ready for it. I had experience, energy and enough chutzpah to do it. I am 39 and thought I was the perfect age for it all. I thought the stars aligned for it. I felt it was the ultimate “why” I was “vocationally liberated” from my old job at the zoo. But it was not in the cards and my skies turned a bit cloudy over the weekend from it all. My demons came for me, the demons of self-questioning, self-doubt and, of course, overeating.

But with time comes perspective. With time comes wisdom. With time comes the ability to finally make the mind outweigh the heart and KNOW (and hope) that other things are on the horizon, even if that horizon is now just a little further away than expected. And with things like the tragedy on the Delaware River that unfolded last week here in the Philly area I am just thankful to be alive, healthy and able to keep striving for my dreams as there are two people whose own life journey ended with a stupid tourist boat ride. Seeing their faces on the news (and how absolutely innocent and young they both looked) does help put things into a larger perspective.

But the selfish part of me still feels the personal sting of finding out I was not chosen for something for which I felt I was a perfect fit. Just like a shirt, pair of pants or sweater on the sale rack in a store. When you see the thing you want but it has a stain, a pull, tear or rip or is simply not the right size you move on. Reluctantly, but you move on hoping and praying something cooler, better and bigger comes along that kicks that thing’s ass.

Well, this is me hoping for that. As the grayer clouds begin to roll in, this is me yelling to the universe I do hope something cooler, better and bigger comes along…

…and this is me getting it all out so I can leave it all behind tomorrow. Leave behind the urge to throw a big pity party catered with all my fave comfort foods. Leave behind the disappointment and start the week off right and see it for what it is. A new start at a new part of the horizon, even though that horizon is, like a said, just a bit further now than I wanted it to be Friday.

But would I do it again to jump at that kind of chance – to live out a dream and be a part of something connected to the biggest media person in the whole world? You bet your ass I would.

In a heartbeat.