Determined To Succeed

I am a bit grumpy this morning. I am grumpy this morning because I am sick and tired of food – ALL FOOD – having stupid calories, and because genies in lamps don’t really exist.

I know this sounds completely insane but I always wonder in my heart and soul why everything we want to eat has to be “worked off” and “no good for us.” Why is it that Chinese food (yes, my dinner of choice last night) has to have not just calories but so much salt that it causes me to creep to another three more ounces this morning (hence part of my grumpyness).  I know it was “no good for me” and that I will “work it off,” but still. Can’t a guy have his beef chop suey after a workout and NOT have to still gain back ounces? Grrrrrrr.

And why can’t genies exist? These are so the times I wish I could find a genie in a lamp. I daydream about casually strolling the beach down in Atlantic City (after winning a few bucks at Craps, my favorite game) and stumbling across a beautiful, ornate golden lamp. I start brushing the sand off its surface when a cool-ass genie appears and says to me, “Dude. Wow. Thanks for finding me! You know how long I’ve been cooped up in coach in that thing? Where’s the baggage claim anyway? Oh, never mind. Since you found me and I have finally landed I will offer you three wishes as gratitude. The only condition is that you chuck me and the lamp back in the ocean when you’re done so that others may share your good fortune. And PS, show me where the Craps tables are, man. I’ve been itchin’ for some games of chance since that bazaar in Morocco 400 years ago.”

If only I could really have those three wishes. Besides the obvious one featuring lots of  money and one I would keep in my back pocket for another day, I think I would wish for me to never gain weight ever again from any food stuff ever in the history of the entire universe. That would include never gaining weight from any of the following yummy, delicious “no good for us” foods you have to “work off:”

• Cinnabon cinnamon rolls
• The afore-mentioned Chinese food (damn it all to hell – stupid ounces – grrrrrr)
• Hostess Cupcakes (don’t worry, I didn’t have any last night. Just thought about them, that’s all)
• Italian Beef  sandwiches
• Chicago-style hot dogs
• Cheesestea)k hoagies
• Alcohol (not that I am a beer drinker. I’m talking about my martinis and frosty, fruity island drinks you get with little umbrellas and s&^t)
• French fries (especially the big beefsteak or potato wedge kind)
• Strawberry ice-cream (again, don’t worry I didn’t have any last night
• Banana cream pie
• Chocolate cake and/or cupcakes (mmmmm, cupcakes – said like Homer Simpson drooling out the side of his mouth)
• Indian food (especially chicken tikka masala)
• Stuffed pizza (or any pizza for that matter)
• Buffalo wings
• Mashed potatoes (come to think of it the entirety of Thanksgiving dinner – including any and all leftovers)
• A plate of Southern food (fried chicken, a mess of greens and some kind of starch like grits)

Ok, Ok. I’ll stop now but you get my grumpy point this morning. Each one of us has foods we love but that are extremely bad for us. Just yesterday I was talking with people who felt bad for having a small box of Cheez-Its or a couple of cookies. But why should they feel bad? We like these foods, they just don’t like us back. Yeah, I would so use a wish and change all that.

Well, maybe I would. There is that world peace thing to consider, and all. It just “grinds my gears” – no wait, I used that slogan for a blog already. It just makes me grumpy we always have to pay the stupid “a moment on the lips, an eternity on the hips” price for the foods we enjoy most. And on grey, cloudy and rainy days like this perfectly suited for comfort foods and movies I don’t want to worry about the calories they leave behind.

Well, that’s OK. We can’t appreciate the destination without fully respecting the journey…

…every yummy, calorie-rich, has to be “worked off,” “no good for you” step of it.