Determined To Succeed

Wow. The rain finally stopped. It was pouring down rain this morning and it was beautiful. Like the soft break in the Bob Seger song “Night Moves” goes – “I woke last night to the sound of thunder. How far off I sat and wondered…” Well, OK, it was this morning in which I woke to the sound of thunder but it was good and it was a good rain. A great rain, actually. A great cleansing one that washes away the crap and makes way for the new.

How absolutely cool that this rain comes the day after “the big reveal” to you guys. It comes after a night of having Chinese food, too. Yes, I had it again but I knew I needed it.  I embraced my desired to eat badly so I could face the emotions tied to them head on, like when Sean Connery turned the sub into the path of the oncoming torpedoes in “The Hunt for Red October.” He did it so they wouldn’t explode and sink him and I did the same.

Funny. There’s that water thing again.

I so wish the outcome of the Oprah contest had been different. But that’s O.K. That’s life, and the disappointment did trigger others thoughts and fears (and demons) and out of those I sought comfort food. Sometimes it’s how I deal with stress (like when my face breaks out – a sure sign of it). But when these things happen it means I have “bottomed out” in that situation and this one is no different.

To use with generosity a quote the Pretenders, “We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” That is me. I am a hopeless romantic dreamer and a believer in those dreams. I am an optimist, even when mired in the crap that is usually washed away by a great rain. I just needed these last few days to absolutely lick my wounds, because that optimist saw a million ways this could have gone right, and not any the ways that it wouldn’t.

Is that bad? No. It is merely human. We all want our dreams to go well, especially when our hearts and minds are equally involved. Damn, that is so right. And I don’t know about you but when I set my mind on something look out- I usually do make it happen. Usually, although not in this case. Every now and then, life IS out of your hands and we can only control the things we have the power to control, like our reactions to things such as a rejection from what would have been a cool TV opportunity.

I emotionally eat and stress eat because I tend to throw myself out there and take chances. The food is the part I can control so I do, sometimes for the good but sometimes for the bad. And in my mind there are voices that say “dude, it could have ended up being a crappy experience.” I’ll never know, it’s a crapshoot either way. But those voices are right – this experience has only added to me as a person. I am better and more experienced for having done this. And while it’s O.K. to let me turn myself into the torpedo to keep them from really exploding, I have to remember to great stuff, too. That I got as far as I did and that is was just one single opportunity in a world filled with possibilities. Putting oneself out there may be scary but it is absolutely why optimists like to keep putting ourselves out there – those endless possibilities.

That is the beauty of rain. It washes away the old and makes everything clean and ready for the new. Last night’s Chinese food is over with and done.

Today is a new day and a blue sky is peaking through…