Determined To Succeed

Day seventy-one.

Happy Monday, everybody. Did you have a great weekend? More to the point, did you make it through the weekend without eating too much and getting in some exercise? I hope so, especially since it was a heavy sports weekend (if you’re into that). Regular-season football, MLB playoff baseball…it can take its toll colorically and physically (I can also be quite the couch potato). Thankfully, I did maintain my weight (237) despite a few daliances (I did give in to my Twinkie craving) and am starting the week on a great note.

Yesterday, I attended my regular Sunday night twelve-step meeting and it was, putting it mildly, interesting. There were a few people I’ve never seen before but apparently were part of the fellowship some months or years prior to my arrival. One person had a particularly scary story to tell while they were “getting current” with the group and it really threw me for a loop. While I won’t reveal what they said suffice it to say I was uncomfortable, extremely so, but overall the group was good last night because of the topics selected – trust, things to do and resentment. These three topics seemed very appropriate for me given that each one goes through my mind on a daily basis.

There have been many things I have resented in my life but none more so than my own actions at times. I was as low as I could go and I hated myself for it. Dammit, those demons were strong and terrifying and I gave into each and every one of them. Before I confronted my past and found out the reasons why I was “acting out” in the present I resented, and had great shame over, great portions of my past and I tried to bury it all, sometimes with massive amounts of food. Yes, I also resented being 400 pounds, but once I started valuing life again, especially over these last seventy-one days, I’ve come to know I am stronger than those demons and can win and win without Twinkies, ice-cold regular Coca-Cola (Coke Zero is now my new BFF) and mass quantities of egg rolls or beef fried rice.

Trust is a tricky thing with me, especially since I never really let many people inside because of the walls a created to “protect” myself. Funny how the mind works. You secretly want to let people in because you want to be held and loved but, because of shame and fear, you build up blockers to keep people out as a defense mechanism. Well, not anymore and I think I’m getting better and better at it every day. The secret being that I realized I had to rebuild trust, not just with people in my life but, most importantly, with myself and that comes from liking me again and knowing I will make the right choices now. Choices I can trust are the best ones for me and building on that.

As far as filling my time with things to do, well, you guys know the things I’m working on. This weight loss blog is one of them. I find one of my triggers to eat is due to me feeling bored when I don’t have things filling my time. I eat to pass the time and that is so wrong. It was so wrong. So now I am concentrating on the positives and am working on many things, one of which I will reveal to you in the next month or month-and-a-half or so as it pertains to my upcoming 40th birthday.

When I left the meeting last night I could feel myself on the right path. I am in a positive place and that feels good. I may have had a Twinkie or two this past week but I exercised and did not eat out. All of this, especially in weight loss, is retraining the mind to act in different ways – to choose different paths than we would have chosen before and re-learning how to act. That rediscovery is cool…so cool. It’s almost like the world is new and we have a new world full of opportunity at our feet.

It is just up to each and every one of us to walk that path to get to those opportunities. For the first time in my life I do feel worth it which helps me immensely as I drive the gauntlet of fast food places (especially Burger King) passing them all up for the wonderful BLTs I had at home last night for dinner, or the leftover grilled BBQ pork chops I had for lunch Saturday. Those are the meals I look forward to now. That is the future I look forward to now.

So have a great start to your week, my friends, and good luck on your weight loss journeys. Remember, food may be awesome but you are more awesome and deserve better than you give yourself sometimes. So you don’t have to eat if you really don’t want to or feel ashamed to, because it will always feel better to open up and talk to someone – anyone – than to keep that stuff inside. And no matter what, as you try to walk that path of opportunity, I promise you one thing…you are not alone.