Determined To Succeed

Today is Saturday, December 12, and it’s my birthday. My 39th to be exact. It’s also the first birthday I am experiencing without my mom. Normally, she’d call me at some point on a birthday (or I’d call her) and we’d talk and she’d sing “Happy Birthday to You” in her sweet voice and no matter how old I would get that wonderful thing never would.

I woke up today though with an anxious feeling. I didn’t know what to expect from today. Knowing me and how emotional I can get over things I didn’t plan much of anything. I knew it would be an introspective day for me. But this feeling of anxiousness is weird. Like I’m expecting something and I don’t know what it is. I suppose that whatever I’m feeling today is “normal” for anyone going through a special occasion or holiday for the first time without a dear loved one.

But I have to admit when I feel like this, when I feel my adrenaline start going or I feel nervous or anxious I feel my demons wake up. I feel my old patterns start to emerge telling me that food will make me calm down. That it will make me feel better. That it will hold me through all of this.

But that is an out-and-out lie. Food never helps. It only hurts. Why would anything that wants to help you put the taste of so many bad-for-you foods in your mouth and make you want to eat them KNOWING not only what you’ve accomplished but also what you continue to work on every single day?

That’s why comfort foods are so bad. They have that smooth voice, that gentle touch, that warming feeling but they ALWAYS leave you cold afterward. Always.

So before I sat down to write today I looked at the photo of my mom. Seeing her sweet face just makes me smile. And while today is so very bittersweet I will do my best to be strong and still avoid foods that would only feel good for a while. I decided when my mom passed away I would still control what I have the power to control, food – no matter what’s going on in my life. I even wrote about it in my weight loss column a few months ago. I will share it with you guys now. It may sound silly to be so worried about weight at such an emotional time, but I’ve found some truths that remain constant in weight loss:

1)      True and effective weight-loss and maintenance can only be achieved over time, even during stressful and emotional times. We’ve worked hard to do what we are doing on a daily basis and no one or nothing can and should take that away from us. Even ourselves, and especially a disease.

2)      Tragedy wins twice if we go back to eating the way we ate before and go back to the weight we were before. No disease, no drama, no job situation, no relationship, etc. is worth our own physical defeat, too.

3)      Life goes on and will go on, and so must we. Which means our weight loss must also go on and be a part of our lives through it all. It’s O.K. It’s a part of taking care of ourselves through a time of tragedy and loss.

Everyone’s situation is different. In the case of my mom, words cannot describe the peaks and valleys of ever-changing emotions and thoughts running through my head. But I will always keep one thought and emotion in my head and heart, respectively. I will not let pancreatic cancer beat us a second time. Mom wouldn’t want that, and neither do I. So bring on the “gauntlet” of my “old friends,” the delicious Italian Beef sandwiches, Chicago-style hot dogs, cheesesteak hoagies, soft pretzels, fried chicken and the biggest, nastiest and fattest burgers they can make.

And I am human. I need to be reminded and encouraged  every now and then, too, like we all do going through a rough patch. Today will be OK because I will make it OK. For us both, and for me. I said it before in my column and I will say it again here…

…If mom and I couldn’t beat pancreatic cancer one way, we sure as hell will beat it another.